Home Features Let’s get satirical: Black Friday undoes millennia of civilisation

Let’s get satirical: Black Friday undoes millennia of civilisation


It’s the news- with a festive twist. 

It is of course only fitting that in the spirit of Christmas we replace all goodwill and gratitude with the desire to acquire the biggest and best treats for our loved ones (at the cheapest prices). Even if you have to gouge somebody’s eyes out and break their legs to attain the perfect gift, the price is worth paying. Nothing compares to the satisfaction of watching a loved one open a Christmas present you have risked life and limb to obtain. You may have murdered an old lady in the Asda queue to put that gift in your little treasure’s precious hands, but what’s a life over an Xbox?

And that is why there is a single day each year on earth where morals can be unquestionably disregarded in favour of unrestricted and ferocious consumerism. On Black Friday, an uncontrollable rampage sweeps the globe in the wake of Thanksgiving. It is only natural, of course, that a day of thanks must be immediately succeeded by one of violence and consumer craze.

As the day of darkness dawns, the common people arm themselves with knuckle-dusters and Kalashnikovs and approach the nearest retail complex. The 24 hours that ensue, as a concept, can only be likened to The Purge.

Black Friday shoppers prowl into the store: alert, bloodthirsty. Carefully they choose their prey; electrical goods are always a popular catch. Weary of the competition, the predators approach their chosen bargain and mark their territory. Urination is common.

When a target has been selected, there is no force on Earth powerful enough to rescue it from their beastly clutches. Never come between one of these deadly creatures and their 57inch Plasma screen TVs; it will only end in severed limbs and broken goods.

For some, the only method of survival is to resort to foul-play: secretly snatching bargains from the safety of another’s trolley, then retreating to the protection of the self-service checkouts before rapidly fleeing from the scene. Such a treacherous violation leaves the victim in turmoil, wailing, nay, howling for their loss.

‘Tis the season to be jolly. Merry Christmas.

Zak Mahinfar

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