Home Features Let’s get satirical: #Colin4Welfare

Let’s get satirical: #Colin4Welfare


It’s the news- with a humorous twist. Colin the eel, having recovered from having the tongues of multiple footballers in his mouth, now wants to take care of your welfare. 

ON a frosty Saturday last week, I ducked into The Sorry Head on Black- boy Road to chat with one of the candidates in this year’s Sabb elections.

Already there, curled in a dusty corner with a pint in one fin, and a cigar in the other, was Colin the Conger eel. Wearing a tweed deerstalker hat and wrapped in plumes of smoke. An eel drinking ale.

Colin is an antiquated eel-looking chap. If Nigel Farage is the personification of a bemused old amphibian- well, Colin is a less racist eel counterpoint. Unlike Farage, Colin espouses diversity and inclusiveness. He wants to see a better Exeter. And that’s hard because his eyesight is poor, and he’s nocturnal.

I asked him about current issues within the University. For him one of he biggest problems is the lack of diversity: “the University is full of sea bass and salmon. We need to see more clownish and blowfish, octopus and tropical fish.” Of course, a sensible and well-articulated point.

I wonder, though, how Colin will be received as a candidate. Politicians and, perhaps, Sabb officers are occasionally seen as slippery. “Well, I’m afraid I’m pretty slippery. Like a teenage boy with a tub of Vaseline and a free house. But that’s just my fishy physiology. Generally- and metaphorically speaking- I’m as clear as the Munchhausen trilemma.”

Despite a sometimes abstract way of talking, Colin really does want to see changes. He abhors any nascent drinking culture and he wants to see a happier, reformed University. He wants better gender relations; he describes himself as a feminist.

However, I saw one minor issue: Colin doesn’t have arms. And that seems like a problem. “Well, Ciaran. I have no arms to hold people back. I don’t strong- arm people. I guide them. I let them swim.”

But does he have a catchy slogan? He begins to thing out loud. “Erm… ‘hEELing the University.’ No, ‘King Conger’. That’s stupid isn’t it. How about: ‘Making rEEL changes.’ Or… ‘Take the bait’. Oh wait, wasn’t that used already? ‘Putting the eel in Weelfare.’ No, no. (He laughs) I’m working on it.”

It’s clear that Colin is one Conger eel with real ambition and ideas. He’s a genuine candidate for that Sabbatical ish-tank come the end of elections. So if you see an affable eel in the forum, say hello. That’s Colin.

Ciaran Willis, Screen Editor

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