Home Features Let’s get satirical: Mosaic to be renamed ‘Queusaic’

Let’s get satirical: Mosaic to be renamed ‘Queusaic’


We’ve all tried to go there on a Monday night… to be faced with queuing, inside. Harrison Jones tells all about Mosaic’s latest rebranding. 

Queuesaic- the Exeter club formerly known as Mosaic- has undertaken a significant rebranding scheme in am attempt to make the act of queuing appear edgy and ‘so unay’.

Infamous ‘Monday Mozzas’ and ‘Thursday night Moz’ events will now both be called ‘Queueday Moz’. Indeed, all nights at the venue are now to be called ‘QueueAllNightAtMoz night.’

Queusaic’s Events Organiser, Indeee Rah, was enthusiastic about the new rebranding, explaining: “Well, you see, we need to make our events seem exclusive and edgy, and hide the fact that there’s fuck all people upstairs because we’re making everyone queue so people on the top floor can feel superior. So instead of letting the elite few get up there and have a shit time, we thought: why not just make everyone queue for the entire night?”

“Dancing in clubs is so mainstream, ya get me? What people really want is to become steadily more sober and sweaty in the queue, talk about Daddy’s new polo horse, endure a semi-scrum to get to the front and then get shouted at by bouncers. That gap in the market is so ours, man.”

Rumour also has it that students will lose their place in the queue if they if they have the tenacity to go to the toilet.

Club Manager, Mr A Hole, exclusively told Exeposé: “we’re going for something like a test: when students excrete in the queue, we’ll be checking for scents of caviar and champagne.

“If any of those ingredients are undetected then it’s another chance for us to chuck people out for no reason.”

The queue nights are thought to be the first of their kind in the country, with students paying £7 entry to queue all the way from the downstairs door to the smoking area, before fighting it out for the chance to look down on people from the greatest height, before whinging about how they are all pigeons, and then shitting on them.

A group of big, balding men stood outside Queusaic, who may or may not be employed there, were asked for their opinion on the matter, but could only respond through a series of incomprehensible grunts and expletives.

One of the more confrontational males later added: “You’ve got no fans. You want some? I’ll give it ya.”

The group were last seen chasing each other down Sidwell Street brandishing queue rails, in what appears to have been an elaborate marketing ploy for the club’s rebrand.

Harrison Jones, Editor

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