Stocker Road is the Mount Everest of Exeter. Climb it at 9 a.m. after a heavy night out and you truly can understand what Edmund Hillary went through.
I mean, yes there’s not really as much snow and yes, technically the altitude is not quite comparable. But screw all you doubters! Our lives are hard!
Here are our best suggestions of how to get up Stocker Road without any effort at all…
1. The classic First Year Backpack Grab. Find a first year – much like those poor year 7s you used to mock back in the day, you spot them by their enormous backpacks. Grab onto the handle of said backpack and let the poor fresher mite drag you up the hill. If they complain, just ignore it. They don’t know how you feel.
2. Crawl. There’s no shame in getting on your hands and knees and crawling up Stocker Road as tears silently slip down your cheeks. You may never live it down, but if you want to get up Stocker Road in your own sweet time, you gosh darn will.
3. Pop on some skis and let a bike drag you. We’re all Exeter students so we’ve all been water skiing. Right? So you know the drill. Pop on some skis, find some annoying biker who’s probably out making better life choices than you and let them drag you up the hill. It won’t be quite like that time in Marbella but it beats actually having to use your legs.
4. Or go one further and campaign for a ski lift. Okay, so the campaigning requires a little bit of effort but we’ve all heard this idea so many times before that it’s time it was made a reality. Granted it would be a lot better if there was more snow in Exeter but this can’t be helped. We need a chair lift and we need it now!
5. Call Estate Patrol for a lift. But actually, really, really don’t.
6. Via pony. Here’s a suggestion that could be potentially extremely lucrative for Exeter’s Riding Society: let’s rent out horses to get us up to the Forum. Not only would you feel like bloomin’ royalty but you’d also have the advantage of dropping empty wrappers and used tissues on the idiots below you who are actually walking. It’s how Aragorn would do it.
7. Jetpack. That’s it. We’re out of ideas.
Alan Huffen-Puffen and Joseph Springletrimbookmark me