Do some Christmas traditions annoy you? Do you sometimes feel it’s a lot of fuss for one day? Dan Squire gives us a satirical recipe for the ‘proper’ way to spend Christmas….
Christmas is a time for happiness. Everyone should be happy. And if you want to be happy, you must follow the rules that everyone knows will make you happy at Christmas (and indeed at any time from mid-October until New Year).
To experience a proper, traditional Christmas, you must fulfil all of these criteria:
-Your house must be decorated in suitable Christmas fashion. There must be a Christmas tree, tinsel, and fairy lights as an absolute minimum. These can be bought cheaply from Primark or Wilkinson’s, but if you don’t want people to laugh at you it is necessary to pay more at John Lewis or Marks & Spencer. An undecorated house is weird and you probably shouldn’t trust anyone who lives in one.
-You must invest in Christmas music to play from November to New Year. Equally you must watch Christmas movies in the run-up to Christmas, including but not limited to Love Actually, Home Alone, and It’s A Wonderful Life. Anyone who plays non-canon music or watches non-canon movies at Christmas is a heretic.
-If a student society, committee or friendship group you belong to are holding a Christmas meal/ball/party/trip to the Exeter Christmas market, you must attend. Failure to attend will result in severe alienation from the aforementioned group.
-You must ignore the fact that everything is 70% cheaper on Boxing Day because it isn’t worth what you pay for it before Christmas. Paying more is fun. It’s part of the Christmas spirit.
-Your house Christmas meal must be roast turkey with roast potatoes, gravy, carrots, assorted vegetables, cranberry sauce, dumplings, stuffing, parsnips, Brussels sprouts (why?), pigs in blankets and so on, with mulled wine to drink and possibly a Christmas pudding. Some variation on these components can be tolerated, especially to maintain pseudo-traditions from your own family, but changing the turkey, potatoes and mulled wine is tantamount to human rights abuse.
-There must be crackers. If not, where will you get your paper hats from? The more expensive the crackers the better, because people will judge you if they get disappointing cracker goodies.
-You must give presents to anyone you care about, anyone who you’re expecting a present from, and anyone who you are told to give a present to by the sacrosanct rules of ‘Secret Santa’. If you do not give someone a present they obviously don’t mean anything to you, and your friendship/relationship is over.
-You must treat everyone nicely on Christmas (even people you don’t like) because it’s Christmas and that’s the Christmas spirit. After New Year, you can go back to being a bastard to everyone – because you were nice on Christmas that will be completely justified. You don’t need to worry about homeless people though, because they can’t afford to have a proper Christmas like you; feel free to blindly walk past them on your way to Urban Outfitters.
-Most importantly, you must be happy on Christmas. Anyone who is not happy on Christmas will be coerced into happiness by increased exposure to Christmas propaganda, until they either relent and start exhibiting symptoms of seasonal joy, or at least stop spreading their vile message of ambivalence to the rest of us orgasmically happy Christmas sycophants.
All praise the John Lewis marketing team! Buy Rod Stewart’s Christmas hits! Buy Coca-Cola! Buy Sainsburys! Show your children you love them by spending hundreds on their presents! Buy a good Secret Santa gift or lose your job! Sing carols or face permanent exile! If you really care about your family you’ll fight that cow in Princesshay for the last TV on Black Friday! Be happy, it’s Christmas! Paint everything red! RED! Sleigh the non-believers! Sleigh the non-believers!
Dan Squirebookmark me