Home Features Let’s get satirical: Santa’s SSB Strip

Let’s get satirical: Santa’s SSB Strip


It’s the news- with a festive twist. 

Christmas came early for many last Sunday as Santa Claus treated all at the Safer Sex Ball to a special strip tease.

Donning his usual crimson coat and leather boots, Saint Nicholas was a surprise guest on the SSB main stage. Together with 12 elf backing-dancers, he proceeded to shake his grotto bootay to well-known Christmas hit ‘O Come All Ye Faithful.’

Upon heavy encouragement from the scantily clad and inebriated crowd, Santa soon abandoned his North Pole attire and truly embraced the Rio theme. He disrobed and de-booted, revealing a rather stretched banana hammock.

The crowd surged forward to get the best view of naked Nick. Police have confirmed that one audience member was trampled. Not by the crowd surge, but by an overly enthusiastic Rudolph. It remains unclear as to whether the randy reindeer will be prosecuted for his actions.

The event organizer, Mr Grinch, was impressed with Santa’s performance. He stated: “Feathers and Fred’s phallus worked hand in hand to produce a truly magical show.”

Santa’s seductive display definitely divided the naughty from the nice. The Grinch received three complaints regarding Santa the slut. Mrs Clause was amongst the protestors: “I told him to
diet in preparation so he
could show off the good
stuff. Lay off the mince
pies, I said. But no, he
never listens to me, does he. His belly
basically obscured
his nether regions. Ain’t nobody got 
time for that.”

However, Santa’s bootay certainly impressed the crowd. One drunken reveler commented: “Who knew Santa had such a pert bottom?! He sleighed that slut-drop.”

Speaking to Saint Nick himself, he was keen to convey the reasoning behind his promiscuous performance: “It was an obvious career choice for me. I’ve been a secret for so long, not it’s time for people to see the real Nicholas. Stay safe, kids, stay safe.”

Sarah Gough, Arts Editor

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