Nickie Shobeiry, our new Lifestyle Agony Aunt, is here to solve all of your problems (well, sort of)
B.O., BATH AND BEYOND
Dear Nickie, My best friend is the nicest guy you could ever meet, but unfortunately he smells like a sewer… in August. I really want to tell him that he smells, but I don’t know how to do it without him being offended. I have tried dropping hints, like taking him with me to buy my shower gels, but he just doesn’t seem to get it. What should I do?
Dear aptly-initialled friend, Don’t be the arse that lets the nicest guy you could ever meet wander around smelling like he’s got a decomposing campus cat under his polo shirt. Don’t lead him around Wilko’s bath section like the two lost souls you are – his armpits will still be moist and ingrown-haired, and you’ll be left juggling shampoo bottles until the faeces-covered cows come home. Clearly, there’s some things that a little puff of Lynx won’t fix, and that’s this question. Pull your deodorised self together – better it comes from you than someone else. Alternatively, have you considered the possibility that he realises he smells bad? Maybe he doesn’t care about social norms, and is therefore automatically much cooler than you. Think about it.
Dear Nickie, As an absolute #LAD, I take pride in my bolt time and ability to pull 20 girls in one go on top top. My mates even used to call me BCOC (Best Chat On Campus). But last Saturday, I bolted just one VK in the Lemmy and then chundered by the bar in front of all me M8s! I swear to you it was only because I’d just eaten a cheeky nandos a few hours before, but now all the lads are calling me BBOC (Biggest Bellend On Campus). What can I do to get my infamous rep back? From T.C.
Drop everything you’re doing. Yes, including your iPhone, and no, not your Calvin Klein boxers. What I’m about to tell you is vital to the survival of yourself, and all those in your wake: you will not, under any circumstances, continue to be a ‘#LAD.’ For the good of humanity, save the remnants of your wrinkled-up honour, leave your ‘infamous rep’ crusting across the bar at the ‘Lemmy,’ and then never call it the ‘Lemmy’ again. Get new ‘mates,’ leave the ‘birds’ alone, pour the VK down the drain and try some greentea or malt whisky. Then re-evaluate your personality – it’s probably not too late. Also, your use of hash-tags is insulting. Stop.
If you need help, send in your dilemmas to Nickie at firstname.lastname@example.org me