Home Features Let’s get satirical: Twatitis found in wristbands

Let’s get satirical: Twatitis found in wristbands

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A recent study conducted by the University of Exeter has found that wearing festival wristbands for long periods of time after festivals have finished can result in life-long, debilitating illnesses. The study, which was conducted in conjunction with the campaign group PAFG (People Against Festival Goers) took place over two weeks, using a sample of 500 middle class white males from the specific social group largely referred to in youth culture as “festival douches”.

Each festival wristband was swabbed and scanned for germs that have known links to the life-long condition, Twatitis. On average, the male study subjects were wearing three festival wristbands each, and the length of time for which they had been wearing them ranged from six months, to three years. Professor Jack Glastonbury, who oversaw the project, told Exeposé that he decided to conduct the study after noticing “a growing trend in affluent young white males wearing festival wristbands as a signifier of which festivals both in the UK and abroad that they have attended,” as well as seeing “an increase in the belief that the number of wristbands worn is indicative of the wearer’s social status.”

The study was originally scheduled to last just two days, but the process was complicated by the sample group’s lack of willingness to participate. In fact, nine in every ten test subjects refused to remove the bands from their wrists, claiming that they needed them as proof of the numerous festivals they have attended. One test subject, Montgomery Jones, known as “Monty” to his friends, told Exeposé “I was very unhappy that they asked me to take off my festival wristbands. I didn’t even take them off when my mum married my step-dad… the wristbands really are a part of me. I signed up to this study as a way of partially funding my planned trip to Benicassim ’15, but I had no idea it would involve me having to physically remove my wristbands. The experience was traumatic to say the least.”

The results were conclusive and found that the prolonged wearing of festival wristbands after the event has finished does not only leave wearers susceptible to Twatitis, but also other diseases such as Bellendrio and Pidge-Syndrome However, Montgomery, along with several other of the study’s participants, claims that he is unfazed by the findings, commenting that “[He will] wear these wristbands until my dying ay, or at least until Dad tells me it’s against his company’s dress code.”

Eamonn Crowe

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Third year English student and aspiring journalist. Exeposé Deputy Editor, HuffPost Young Voices blogger, Freelance Editorial Assistant at The Handbook and lover of Arena (it will never be Unit 1 to me).

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