With our resident astrologist on a break this week, stand-in Trevor Trelawney has rubbed his crystal ball(s) to predict what’s in store for readers this week…
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
In the immortal words of Jayden Smith: “If newborn babies could speak they would be the most intelligent beings on Planet Earth.” Too bad you’re not a newborn baby after the way your exams went. Cry yourself to sleep clutching a bottle of wine.
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
Avoid aubergines at all costs. They will prove to be your downfall in the next two weeks, so take extra care when you’re in the fruit and veg section in Waitrose.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
Roaring during sex is never advisable, but you’re likely to meet someone who will make you do just that next time you hit Cheesy Tuesdays.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
Although you like to think you’re sweet and innocent, we all know you have a darker side. The gold rush is the perfect time to get out of your shell and into bed with strangers.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
Your exams may be over but now the real stress begins: how to convince your friends back at home that the new hairstyle you’ve been rocking is alright. Lucky item of clothing: girdle.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Don’t bother restraining your natural urges Scorpio. If there is ever a time to flirt with anything that moves, third term is it. Be cautious of other halves, however, or try to charm them as well. You may end up getting twice as lucky.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Make sure you don’t fade into the background during upcoming nights out. Paint yourself yellow, wear a bin liner or just get so drunk you lose all volume control. Whatever you do, make sure people notice.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Spin the dice, roll the wheel and throw caution to the wind, you’re feeling lucky in the next few months. That rabbit’s foot you found lying by the side of the road last week will turn out to be a great omen (or it might give you a disease, my crystal ball is cloudy on this one).
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
The only dawning you’re going to be doing this week is waking up hungover with vomit in your hair. Take a long hard look at yourself, Aquarius.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Your lucky vegetable will be turnip, so make sure to consume as many of them as you can. Mash them, bake them, mix them with vodka, whatever you have to do to get them into your body Pisces, you’ll thank me next week.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
You should seriously consider adopting a drag pseudonym. Safonda Cox and Ginger Minj are already taken, so experiment with some other thinly veiled obscenities.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
There’s no shame in admitting that you were rooting for Armenia in the Eurovision Song Contest, but try to steer clear of replicating that purple Harry Potter look at Timepiece. Nul points, Taurus.
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