Summer is hot on our heels and so are three months of daytime television. Emily Harris, Online Screen Editor has the perfect advice for the 60 Minute Makeover addicts amongst us.
[dropcap size=small]I[/dropcap]t starts off as a mere “ooh, Pointless, haven’t seen that one since my last prolonged break with nothing productive to accomplish”, progresses to knowing the weeks line up for Loose Women and finally enters its chronic stage when you point at Countdown and say “Yeah that’s Jim. He’s won the past seven episodes. The third episode had a banging conundrum”.
It’s that time of year again, where academia is swapped for Deal or no Deal, and daytime television starts to slowly invade your life. It’s a slow but imminent process, where us creatures of habit begin to wonder if we can survive the day without waking up to a cup of tea and Jeremy Kyle declaring “PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT”. You’ll start to ask friends if plans can be moved half an hour later because “mum needs me to do some cleaning” when the only cleaning taking place is old John Michael’s basement in Cash in the Attic. It won’t be long before you regret booking a holiday for July 8th when you know This Morning will be interviewing that old lady who has over 90 cats.
Daytime television really cannot be done by halves, it’s all or nothing. It’s a day on the sofa or, by some stroke of magic, you’re one of those mystical people who has days worth of better things to do – either way, it’s a dangerous, rocky road – one I have sadly entered myself. Nevertheless, I’ll prescribe to you some simple tips to shake your daytime television syndrome:
1. Remember real life people exist. You might have begun to feel a vibrant connection with the warm smile of Philip Schofield on This Morning, or have shed a tear at Mark’s dramatic loss on Pointless but crucially, you do not actually know these people. I would suggest finding the whereabouts of these personalities and stalking them instead. Will be a nice activity, especially for those ex D of E-ers.
2. Make Location, Location, Location a schedule for you, not a 5pm Channel 4 regular. Tight schedules leave little room for Loose Women.
3. On the subject of Loose Women, why not recreate the scenario with your friends? Meet in a coffee shop, say something vague and obvious yet seemingly profound and let your friends applaud you. Side effects contain coffee breath and soaring egos.
4. Why watch Jeremy Kyle when you can become him? Wander around public places awaiting arguments and then swiftly interject with your sense of self-importance.
5. Actually VISIT your local antiques fair. Go up into your own attic and find some of your families most valued heirlooms and see how much you can flog them for! That age old necklace of your Great Aunt Merediths will seem like nothing compared to the adrenalin rush of “going once, going twice…”
6. Play REAL LIFE POINTLESS. Make the popular television game a way of life by gathering your coolest friends (maybe the one with the beard, or the one that bought something in that charity shop that one time) and actively strive to AVOID the popular/mainstream wherever you go! 100 points if your friend buys Coldplay on vinyl or purchases their mocha from Costa. Organic soya almond coconut chai lattes from independent coffee shops in Romania score well.
And there we have it, your guide to avoiding daytime television this summer. So don’t let yourself get beat down by Bargain Hunt, uninvite yourself from Come Dine with Me and watch the quality of your summer soar.
Emily Harris, Online Screen Editor