Exeposé Lifestyle shares its handy guide to which music festival will be right for you this summer…
So it’s that time of the year again. The sun is out, the birds are singing and from Lafrowda to Holland Hall, all that can be heard are the conversations of “Where are you going this summer, Glasto or V?” Yes, as we know, during the summer people do one of two things: go to music festivals or talk about going to music festivals. But which one is right for me, I hear you cry. Fear not, intrepid Lifestyle reader, for we have anticipated all of your live music/drug taking/dancing with strangers fantasies with this simple and clear guide as to which festival is best suited to your own ‘unique’ sense of music style.
Bestival: Are you the kind of guy or girl who likes wearing denim shorts, fringing and prayer beads? Maybe you’ve tried meditation once or twice and have been on a gap year to Bali. Perhaps you have a penchant for Abercrombie & Fitch but want to deny your middle-class heritage and so accessorise with an ethnic bandanna and a hit of ecstasy. If any of these are even remotely accurate, then you belong at the Isle of Wight’s equivalent of Glastonbury. A weekend in the sun, surrounded by Katy Perry and Cara Delevingne wannabes covered in Aztec prints and bindis, while listening to obscure bands that nobody actually knows awaits you if you come here. If you’re searching for a way to feel more individual without actually being at all different or unique, then Bestival is the one for you. Why not go all out and wear a Native American headdress as a fashion statement, because ya’ know like… Their culture is just so cool like… Nah, it’s not insensitive at all, babe. Bonus points for ‘tribal’ face paint, ‘bush-cooking’ your tins of soup, and being ‘real in touch with nature, man’.
V Festival: Oh my God, you’re so edgy I might cut myself on you. You go to a music festival that NME covers. Woah, you must really want to stick it to the man and reject all mainstream music because it’s so corporate and fake. If you love body paint, awful haircuts and Noel Gallagher, then V Festival is perfect for you. You’ll feel way more individual than going to Glastonbury, despite the fact that you’ve already forked out hundreds of pounds for the privilege of sleeping in a tent for three days and not showering once. In reality, this festival is slightly more mainstream than people think it is, with acts like Olly Murs and Paloma Faith already announced for this year, but none of your Glasto-loving friends need to know that. They’ll just drool over your edginess when you casually mention how much you’re looking forward to seeing The Charlatans and Mistajam live.
Glastonbury: Speaking of Glasto, this is another popular one, but that popularity is rooted firmly in a certain age group. I mean seriously, does anyone below 30 even go to Glastonbury anymore? It used to be the height of cool way back in the early 2000s, but now it’s been overrun by middle-aged parents desperate to relive their youth and minor celebrities like Kimberley Walsh and Pixie Lott. As one might expect from the British version of Coachella, it is smaller, wetter and generally shitter than its American equivalent, and despite Kate Moss’s regular attendance, Glasto is definitely not the cool, envy-inducing prospect that it once was. Sorry guys, pack your Hunter wellies away for this year and try to sell on your tickets – maybe hover around Waitrose and look for the dad with the U2 t-shirt.
Reading and Leeds: I’m taking a wild stab in the dark here but I’m assuming that if you’re the kind of person who wants to go to Leeds or Reading, you’re not the kind of person who’s going to be seen sporting red chinos at Monday Mozzers (or if you are, you’re desperately trying to prove how non-private school you are from your catered room-with-a-view in Holland Hall). You know when Metallica are headlining that there will be one of those things that the young ones call a ‘mosh pit’, and if this floats your boat, then go for it! But fear not, fans of thumping, repetitive bass, because it also has a dance stage where you can do all the drugs you like, while hopping up and down, rubbing against strangers. I’m trying to think of an equivalent Exeter club where those of you who aren’t sure if it’s your thing can dip your gladiator-sandalled toe into the water, but none could be closer than Cavern. Monday Mozzer-ites, you won’t be welcome, but for everyone else, the more charity shop your wardrobe is, the more you’ll be welcomed into the alternative fold.
Dig out your River Island flower crown if you’re heading to Latitude. This one is for people who love everything hippie, natural and peaceful – yeah, all that New Age granola bollocks. This is the perfect festival for all of you who love the idea of going vegan but can’t resist a Timepiece burger with bacon on a Wednesday night, because everyone will be like you – everyone will go vegan for the weekend, chat about how much closer to nature they feel, but then get home and make a beeline for a McDonalds, and upload a hundred and one photos to Instagram documenting their profound spiritual experience. If you’re one of those people, who do you think you’re kidding? You aren’t a proper hippie – you weren’t there in the 60s – and your half-arsed attempt now isn’t fooling anyone. You’re a product of the 21st century and no amount of silent film and interpretive dance is going to change that.