Print Features Editor, Sophie Harrison, takes a satirical stance on George Osborne’s post-election Emergency Budget.
Students are widely rejoicing at a variety of pro-youth policies, such as scrapping maintenance grants, raising the minimum wage for over 25s and cutting housing benefit.
The Chancellor also received acclaim for some highly original ideas, which he absolutely did not steal from the Labour Party.
The Chancellor’s decision to replace Maintenance grants with loans received near-universal praise. We sent reporters to the Bullingdon Club, a society famously noted for its inclusive membership, to gain a cohesive response to the policy. It seems that the removal of grants will have little effect; the majority of students didn’t even know what they were.
Some Bulldonians questioned why loans were needed at all. “Can’t people just use the money from their trust funds?” Mercy Bannister asked.
Economics student Boris Bliar was similarly skeptical. “Paying back loans is overrated. Just say you’re Greek and the EU will bail you out.”
On the subject of the revolutionary New Living Wage for over 25s, students initially felt rather rejected. A student from Exeter took to YikYak in protest: “when has an over-25 winner of the X-Factor ever been successful?” They’ve clearly forgotten about Steve Brookstein.
Nonetheless, youth revolt has eased since Mr Osborne took to Radio Con last night.
“The living wage is for people who are, well, alive,” the Chancellor reasoned. “From what I have seen during University visits, students don’t quite fit that criteria.”
Young people have taken well to Mr Osborne’s argument. This is in part thanks to his historic display of solidarity with the student population.
In 2013, his infamous Byron Burger purchase made him a man of the people. Rumour has it that he was behind the Exeter opening of the branch.
“It’s perfect for students Dave, ” he was overheard telling the PM in 2014. “perfect food for a Hangover. We would have loved it in our Bullingdon days”.
“There’s just one problem George”, Cameron responded. “Those burgers costs more than the under-25 minimum wage.”
The Chancellor can’t be criticised for lack of trying. Fearing students will feel betrayed by his Budget, with a twitter commentator describing him as “Nick the Second”, he has sought to separate himself from those student enemy no.1.
“Those bastards lied about the tuition fees didn’t they?” An Osborne aide told us. “George is showing young people that he hears them loud and clear.”
Nonetheless, you can’t win them all, and some young people haven’t been sold.
“His budget broke the internet almost as much as it will break my bank balance”, a sixth-form pupil remarked. Meanwhile Zayn Malik is apparently reassessing what it means to be “a normal 22 year old”.
In other news, Byrongate has reemerged as a tenuous topic, especially for Exeter student Regina…
All in all, George Osborne revealed a budget that works for everyone.
As long as you’re not poor. Or disabled. Or ill. Or under 25. Or a student. Or an egalitarian. Or a normal human being.