Arena, the club everyone knew, the club that triumphed in the Exeter clubbing scene.
Arena. Where do we begin? From Cheesy’s to Dirty, Sexy People, you were the club of the people. You rejected stereotypes. You let in rahs and rogues alike. Your unofficial anthem should have been ‘We Are Family’.
Then they announced they were shutting you down – during the holidays, no less. We don’t appreciate sneaky tactics Mr Gold-Waistcoat-club-owner. Treat your mourners with respect.
Where were we to turn? Queuezaic? The ceiling of Wednesday TP top top top top top…? Rococcos?! Do you have any humanity?
Then one fateful day, in a scene reminiscent of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, Arena came back to life. Meet Unit 1, U1 to her friends. Contrary to popular reports, she isn’t the 21st Century answer to Bono and friends.
She’s Exeter’s “brand new futuristic, exclusive and stylish nightclub”, aka “the real second coming”. Rumour has it she’s hired a DJ so world-renowned, he turned down an offer from Simon Cowell.
“He wanted me to replace Zayn in 1D.” DJ AreNo told us. “I said U1 was better. That’s the real reason they’re splitting up”. Regrettably, DJ AreNo’s opening night didn’t go quite to plan. He couldn’t find his way to the new DJ booth.
There are regrets all round. For Exeter newbies, they will only ever know this younger, sexier stepmother. For oldies, the Cinderella feeling has struck. Futuristic? We were expecting floating glass podiums, not seats all over them. Exclusive? Shack up with Mosaic already. Stylish? Two words. Gold waistcoats. Oh, so maybe this is the futuristic part…
“Shoot me down, but I won’t fall, I am the Podium”
Problem: Oh Arena, how could they cover up your podiums? We all know your silvery rails are a high-heeled girl’s favourite balancing spot. We all know there is no better place to shake it off to a Tay Tay hit. Except maybe TP top top, but sshhh. This is not the time to be insensitive. We are in mourning.
Verdict: The podiums as we know them are gone. We are now told to sit on them. The audacity.
Solution: “I won’t fall – I am the Podium”. Forget Titanium, this is what Sia really meant. We will not be turned away. We will not fall down into those fake leather booths.
“smelly mat, smelly mat”
Problem: The floor is now hard. As a rock. We want some smelly carpet please. How could it leave us? The Arena hairstyle was so bad it was good. Now Unit 1 has tried to go all Hollywood on us
Verdict: Those gold waistcoats won’t be hitting the Oscars red carpet any time soon. Sorry gold-coat bouncers.
Solution: everyone in the queue needs to channel their inner Pheobe Buffay and belt out Smelly Mat at the top of their lungs.
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Oh Unit 1, god knows what they’re feeding you. Arena, we know it’s not your fault. Rest in smellyful peace.
For groundbreaking details on the Unit 1 experience, visit their website.