Under new legislation, all sweets and treats collected by children on 31st October as part of their Halloween celebrations, will now be taxed. In a statement from the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, he decreed, “For too long children have been allowed to partake in this glorified form of vagrancy, hoarding their sickly substances without contributing to the economy which allows them to freely do so, from now on they will have to pay a confectionary tax.
One sweet in every five will be confiscated and go towards making the country a better place.” The initiative is said to be being implemented as a measure to prevent starvation within the House of Lords. Currently members of the upper house have been living in austerity, turning up to parliament complaining of hunger as few are able to afford breakfast even with their expenses allowance.
“Rest assured,” added the Tory Minister for the Basic Sustenance of the Political Elite, “The sweets are going to a good home. Children can bask in the knowledge that their contributions are not only saving the lives of those who are far less well off than them, but to those who make our very country function.”
On the night of the 31 October, riot police will be deployed to residential areas across England to enforce the new law, scenes of teary-eyed children having their pumpkin-filled syrupy stashes torn from their clutches will no doubt be commonplace, but its for their own good argues the government. David Cameron has said that should the policy also prove fruitful in tackling Britain’s obesity epidemic, the Conservatives will implement similar legislation at Easter.
As one would expect, there has been widespread outrage towards the plans, and some children have said they will refuse to hand over their sugary snacks on the day of reckoning. Eight year old John from Liverpool protested, “if they want my sweets they’ll have to fight me for them,” whilst three year old Abigail simply remarked “Fuck the Tories!” when quizzed on the abhorrent new measures.
