I n a controversial new policy announcement, Donald Trump revealed that, were he to be elected President in 2016, October 31 would officially be declared National Trump Day.
“After the nation-wide success of Trumpkins, it’s clear that the American people want me to defend their homes, communities, and their country,” Trump commented, referencing the recent surge in Jack-O’-Lanterns in his image. “While Trump Day will be just one day, I hope to fill their hearts and minds 365 days a year. I am eternal. I am the Alpha and the Ome-“, he managed to say before being dragged off stage by his Communications Officer.
Whilst many have proclaimed that the presidential candidate-themed pumpkin carvings were initiated by the ‘Trumpettes’, the US equivalent of the #Milifandom and the #Cameronettes, an Exeposé Freedom of Information request has revealed that it was, in fact, started by Twitter user @FreshPrinzessOfBelAir.
Reading an official statement, she told the press: “yh jus did it wiv ma m8s coz we finked it woz punny but itz a bit awkz now hes takin it seriusli.”
Commenting on what has been dubbed the ‘Halloweeg Takeover’, a nod to Trump’s polemical hairpiece, his campaign manager announced during a Halloween-themed rally last Thursday, whilst wearing a ghost mask: “ooooOOOOoooooh”.
After questioning, he added: “National Trump Day will provide a great opportunity for the American people to recognise the greatness of one thing overcoming another. Trumping, if you will.”
“I won’t,” interjected S. Lee Wigg, Chief Spokesperson for Toupés for Justice, “allow this to happen”.
The pressure group recently protested Trump Towers dressed as that Addams’ family hair thing, with banners reading “THERE’LL BE HELL TOUPÉ FOR THIS”, following leaks pertaining to the new Trumpkin Corp initiative, which, according to Trump, will solve the economic crisis by creating “literally tens of jobs”.
Trumpkin Corp markets itself as a Trump-themed pumpkin production conglomerate, projected to turn over $645.5 billion per year. According to the website, the initiative will also remove the need for food banks nationwide, as the innards of each fruit “will be used to feed a few struggling American families, as per the American dream”.
Controversy arose, however, when operation plans were leaked, exposing the embezzlement of over 867 tons of pumpkin innards, which were redirected to Barbados-based hair care company named “Orange is the New Black”, which specialises in creating orange hair dye and wigs. Upon further investigation, it transpired that Trump was their sole customer.
Under significant press pressure, the self-dubbed ‘Lord Trumpking’ issued an emergency explanatory statement: “China, China, China,” he said, later adding, “China”, winking.
Since these revelations, sales of Top Trumps have plummeted, with shoppers unfortunately associating the popular card game with the infamous presidential candidate.
“We wish to make clear that we have no association with that man. He did once propose a Trump-themed Top Trumps edition, but we declined on the basis that all cards were just the same picture of him again and again,” a spokesperson said.
We look forward to Trump’s continued ‘success’.