Getting Down and Dirty
Help me please Auntie Sabs. There’s a guy in my seminar group who I have the world’s biggest crush on. He’s smart, funny and a little bit shy but over a drunken conversation I discovered he has this hidden dirty side to him. He was telling me about his sex life and what he liked to do in bed and it was EVERYTHING I love doing too, and I couldn’t help getting a little hot under the collar. I really want to ask him out but I don’t think he even sees me in that way; I’m terrified that he’ll say no and that our seminars will end up horrifically awkward. What should I do?
Yours desperately,
A.S.
————————————————————————————————-
Dear A.S.,
Here’s what you need to know. Play elusive, hard to get. If you ask him out then he’ll know you’re into him and he’ll have the upper hand, you see? Love is all about playing games and manipulating the other person into liking you. So, you say he has this hidden dirty side, ey? First, don’t shower for a few days and avoid any unnecessary contact with anything that smells nice. Maybe even rub some dirt into your nooks and crannies. Once you are sufficiently dirty, flaunt your stench around him. If he likes the dirty stuff as much as you say, he should be putting in your hands. Have fun and don’t forget, sex can most definitely be used as a weapon.
Much love,
Auntie Sabs xox
————————————————————————————————–
Spot of Shame
Dear Auntie Sabs,
I’ve been living with my new housemates for the past few weeks, and most things are going ok, but one of them has this habit that’s making me really dislike him already. Whenever he changes the toilet roll, he always put it on backwards. I always seems to be the one who has to change it, but to do that I have to pop the holder out and them try to reattach it which often takes a while. It’s making me not want to live with him next year. How can I deal with the situation?
Yours faithfully,
D.H.
————————————————————————————————
Dear D.H.,
I’m sincerely sorry for your problems. I absolutely know where you’re coming from – one of my housemates never flushes the toilet after a shit and has occasionally flooded the only bathroom in our house with the stench of his runny faeces.
In order to take your revenge, I recommend psychological damage. Go into his room and turn everything the wrong way round, from his duvet to his crappy posters. See how he likes it. Yes this requires a great deal more effort than simply turning the toilet roll round (or, dare I say it, just leaving it be) but boy will it be worth it when he finally cracks.
Or you could just grow the fuck up and realise that people live their lives differently to you, you narcissistic freak. Either decision’s cool.
Much Love,
Auntie Sabs xox