Dead-set on deadlines
With so many deadlines looming, I’m spending more time in the Library than my own house right now, but being there so much has meant that I’ve begun developing a deep and utterly all-consuming crush on this guy who is also on my course, and so has the same deadlines as I do. All I can think about is how I wish he’d sweep my books off my desk and passionately kiss me like they do in the movies, but so far the most contact we’ve had is me awkwardly smiling at him as I walked past where he was studying and then promptly tripping over because I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. Should I take things to the next level or just leave it? And more to the point, if I go all out, how should I go about it?
Yours desperately, S.N.
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Dear S.N.,
It’s clear that you need to grab this guy’s attention, so you need to be suave, sultry and seductive, yet elusive and hard to get (and doing it with two left feet certainly isn’t going to cut it.) First, stare at him continuously until he starts to feel really uncomfortable. When he looks back at you, give him a flirtatious wink and lick your lips seductively. If he still hasn’t made the move by now, it’s up to you. Sway your hips on the sly as you shimmy towards him, and throw yourself on to his desk, crushing his things, or better yet, sweep them off of his desk. He can buy a new MacBook, right? Throw your phone at him and demand his number while holding his gaze. He’ll love your assertiveness, for sure. Once you have it, walk away, cool as a cucumber. Of course, once he texts make sure you leave it at least a week before replying. You wouldn’t want to come across as desperate or weird or anything like that, now would you?
Auntie Sabs xox
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Smells like trouble
I saw your advice to the guy with the annoying loo-roll housemate in the last issue, and I have a similar dilemma, except mine has escalated. My housemate smells atrocious. I swear he can’t shower every day because no one can constantly smell like a mixture of tobacco, sweat, stale milk and the old Arena carpets all the time, surely? Thanks to the anonymity of Yik Yak, I decided to vent my frustrations, but somehow he managed to find out that it was me behind the Yak and now is monumentally pissed off at me. He now goes out of his way to waft his pungent aroma in my direction, taking any chance he can get his grubby mitts on, and I can’t handle it. What do I do now? I’ve lost all hope and I have no idea how best to deal with a problem like this. Please help me – I am running out of receptacles to throw up in.
Yours faithfully, D.H.
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Dear D.H.,
Simply put, it’s war. Stop showering, throw out the deodorant, say goodbye to the incense (who even buys that stuff anyway!?) and beat him at his own game. Show him what it really means to stink. Use those receptacles of sick to your advantage and hide them around his room. Make your house smell so disgustingly, sickeningly bad that your housemates leave screaming and move into Old Lafrowda. Yep, things have to get that bad. Sure, in the end you might be left with an empty home and no friends apart from the flies that now inhabit your house. But, fuck it, you’ve won and nobody can take that away from you — after all, there’s nobody else around to do so, is there? Besides, you’ve always got Yik Yak.
Auntie Sabs xox