I don’t think I’ve been too naughty this year. Sure, people have their complaints. But it’s tough having the brains, the bod and the bubbling enthusiasm for a utopian world order. People are jel, Nick. You know the feels, they’re all like “Santa isn’t real”, you have to deal with that shit. To me, they’re all like “Corbyn’s a disastrous leader, Labour will never win an election again, the party is divided, what is he wearing, why is he here, what is he doing, he is anarchist, pacifist idealist, in-need-of-a-wardrobe stylist, DIE JEZZA C DIE.” You see Santa, you’re the same you and I.
While I appreciate your long-standing commitment to symbolically connecting the proliferation of fossil fuels with naughtiness, I don’t think I deserve a chunk of coal this year. Don’t mock me with the decimation of the Ozone layer when I am doing my very best to prevent it. That would be low Nick, real low. The Daily Mail kinda low.
I’m not a materialistic guy, I won’t ask for much. However, a few practical additions to the old wardrobe would be useful. People who live by hegemonic societal norms, people who think it’s smart and clever to have their neck constrained by a piece of fabric all the live long day, have the moronic nerve to criticise me for not living my life to their same standards of stupidity. A postmodern tie, therefore, would be fabby. I’m thinking red, I suppose, with the embroidered words “they’re going to bomb Syria and all you can think about is my tie”.
a few practical additions to the old wardrobe would be useful
A hat too, would be good. Something rather loose. Something that would definitely fall off my head should I choose to bow it at future public occasions. That would stamp out any did he/didn’t he debates I think. It could even add to my popularity, my ‘image’. You’ve rocked that Santa hat for so long and now everyone wants you in their house late at night. I could only hope to gain a similar level of trust from the masses.
In my short time as leader, I’ve discovered that music is an important part of our culture. If they want you, Santa Claus, to come their town, they sing about it. If they want our country to reassert itself as an imperialist powerhouse, they sing about it. An LP of God Save The Queen would be of use therefore, I guess. I could spin it on my record player for authentic nationalistic nostalgia. Perhaps print me out a lyric sheet too.
One final request, I’d absolutely love a loyal set of MPs. That might be slightly out of your remit, but you are magic after all.
Merry Christmas Nick.
JC (the other one)