A large-scale investigation by a leading UK tabloid has revealed that the festive holiday of Christmas is in fact an elaborate scam coordinated by a criminal mastermind. The discovery was made after a fat man dressed in a red coat with white fur trims, a large snowy beard and half-moon spectacles was caught in the local area with plans to break into all the houses across the UK.
The large white male, who identified himself as ‘Santa Claus’, was subsequently arrested by police and, when informed he had the right to remain silent, simply responded with very jolly laughter before asking the police officers what they wanted for Christmas. He was then taken into custody around lunchtime yesterday for further questioning.
‘Santa Claus’ was subsequently arrested by police
Meanwhile, the journalists, who have wished to remain anonymous, later handed in evidence they had uncovered during their investigation including a handwritten list of all the UK children who had been naughty or nice, an aerial map of the UK and a very large sack of presents.
Inside sources have informed us that upon being interrogated about how he acquired these gifts, ‘Santa Claus’ told them an extravagant story about “elves he employs to make the gifts” and “runs a large-scale toy manufacturer based at the North Pole”. He also revealed that he works under multiple known aliases including ‘Father Christmas’ and ‘Saint Nicholas’. Police also want to question a so-called ‘Mrs Claus’ who is believed to be assisting with the suspected criminal’s operation.
Things became more extraordinary later that day when a member of the public called the local authorities to report that a bunch of reindeer attached to a luxury-size sleigh were parked on the roof of her house. The vehicle was later discovered to belong to none other than the ‘Santa Claus’ gentleman arrested earlier that day.
He was later fined for drunken and disorderly driving after being found over the limit, admitting he’s had a problematic history with alcohol and his sleigh has a secret stash of sherry in the glove box. However, he wasn’t charged for illegal parking, as there were no double yellow lines on the roof.
his sleigh has a secret stash of sherry in the glove box
The day’s events subsequently came to a dramatic conclusion when ‘Santa Claus’ managed to escape the police HQ completely undetected. A police officer, who has now been suspended, stated that he turned his back on him “for just a moment” before spinning around to find “a sprinkling of magic dust occupying the space he was in”, claiming he had just “vanished into thin air”. Police have also confirmed that the reindeer and sleigh have also disappeared without a trace, with one local swearing he glimpsed them flying northwards over the city skyline.
In response to the dramatic news, the Government have decided to go ahead with Christmas as usual, despite safety concerns being raised over the madman who may potentially break into all our homes. A short statement was released saying that Scotland Yard would wrap up the investigation into these events and assured the general public this would not put ‘the stability and security of our nation’ at risk.