Mozzers Mystery Man
Dear Auntie Kathy,
Last term I met this amazing guy in Mozzers. Our eyes met across the dance floor, we shared our first kiss and talked and laughed the night away. From what he told me that night he seemed like the perfect guy: he’s sweet (he told me that he never normally gets with girls in clubs!), he’s athletic (on the rugby team) and he’s well-travelled (did a gap year)! I texted him the next day but term had already ended and he never replied. I’m scared that I’ll never see him again, what if he was the one?
Please help me,
Anon
Dear Anon,
If you really think he’s the one then I think you should definitely send him a text declaring your undying love. That’s what I usually do with guys I’ve just exchanged saliva with on a sweaty dancefloor. Try something along the lines of “Hey babe, I loved meeting you in Mosaic the other night and I think we could really tessellate. You are the one. You are my missing puzzle piece. Marry me. I want four children… and five cats.” If he doesn’t respond positively to that then fuck him (figuratively) and become a lesbian. Men are all scumbags anyway.
Auntie Kathy xox
Seminar Slacker
Dear Auntie Kathy,
There’s this girl in my seminar and we’re in a group to do a presentation together. There’s four people in the group altogether but it may as well be three because this girl never turns up to any group meetings! She ignores our messages but then when we see her in seminars she acts all nice as if it’s no big deal. I don’t get how she can do it! It’s so infuriating as we all get the same marks in the end but she’s done none of the work! What should I do?
All best,
Anon
Dear Anon,
This girl needs to get her act together so here’s how it’s going to play out. After your seminars you should follow her home, see where she lives and then post print-outs of your presentation slides through her letterbox or under her door. If she doesn’t get the message after a few days then up the ante and start sellotaping them to her windows and sticking them on her back until she can no longer ignore her responsibility. If passive aggressiveness fails then I would just start your presentation off by saying ‘Good morning everyone, before we begin I just wanted you to know that [insert name here] did fuck all for this’, and point at her for about one minute.
Auntie Kathy xox
