Why d’you always tell me when you’re high?

People are free to make their own choices in life: from teetotal sobriety to snorting cocaine off a toilet seat. Though I myself am not one to dabble in drug use, I still respect that it’s a personal choice and I don’t like to preach. I have my own reasons for not taking drugs and I accept that you don’t care and will probably think I’m an awful bore. However, I’d far sooner be a bore than the guy who can’t ‘drop’ without announcing it to the whole of Exeter.

This is my primary concern for drug-users, or at least a certain swathe of the drug-using population, they seem far more preoccupied with telling everybody else that they’re getting high, or that they are currently high, or that, last night, they did in fact ‘get high’, than they seem to be in embracing the state they have just paid upward of £20 to attain.

drug users seem far more preoccupied with telling everybody else they’re high

“Have you dropped?” If by that question you mean to know if I have ever executed the popular dance move otherwise known as the slut-drop, then yes, I have been known to slut-drop when circumstances dictate such shameless shenanigans. If, on the other hand, you are employing a drug-related colloquialism, then I can only assume your humble enquiry is a somewhat thinly veiled announcement of your own indulgence in substances of the illicit nature, and consequently, confirmation of your belonging to the pigeon species.

You don’t see people shuffling around pre-drinks enquiring in hushed tones “Are you drunk?” “Are you going to get drunk?” as if the person’s answer is in someway weighted to define their social stature.

Worse still, drug use is frequently succeeded by long, painful comedowns; not for the user, for the poor bastard that is forced to endure their whining. Nobody wants to listen to you, in your semi-inebriated hysteria, mourning the pet gerbil you lost to frostbite when you were nine, nor do they want to humour your self-pity when you are confronted with the consequences of having chewed halfway through your own lip like a self-devouring cannibal.

If, all things considered, you genuinely want to experience the effects of these substances on your mind and body, by all means, don’t let me stop you. But, if what you are really searching for on the road to rebellion against your middle class background (that otherwise consists of chain-smoking and wearing clothes that make you resemble a homeless person) is social kudos, I am inclined to take issue with peer-driven motives. If your biggest ambition at university is to achieve popularity amongst pigeons, you are doing it all wrong.