Exeter, Devon UK • Feb 24, 2024 • VOL XII

Exeter, Devon UK • [date-today] • VOL XII
Home Comment It’s a Wonderful (Student) Life

It’s a Wonderful (Student) Life

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Picture the scene. It’s 1 November and you are walking back to your flat, minding your own business and enjoying the autumn breeze with not a care in the world. You pass an open window, and what do you hear? The screeching tones of ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ drifting through the cracked window. You think to yourself, “My flatmate can’t possibly be tragic enough to be listening to Christmas music already; he must be watching Mean Girls for the 47th time this week.” You enter your flat, and are immediately disgusted at the sight of people putting up Christmas lights and tarnishing your shared living space with a hideous tree donned with tacky tinsel.

This is a travesty beyond compare. You calmly explain this to your ridiculous flat mates, only to be disregarded as a Scrooge, but you know that you are simply talking sense, and are the only one present not inflicted with the plague that is Christmas. It feels like you won’t possibly be able to survive the curse that is a student Christmas, but there are a few things you can do to try…

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First, make sure you have your earphones with you at all times, as these will be essential for blocking out the tasteless Christmas music you are bound to encounter
at every turn. If your earphones happen to be broken (let’s face it, they probably are), it may be wise for you to invest in a cheap pair of earplugs, as it’s unlikely your budget will be able to accommodate a new pair of earphones this late into the term, even for a cause as noble as protecting yourself from the torture that is carol singers and Christmas songs.
Unfortunately, ear buds won’t protect you from the more vicious carolers, so you may need to carry pepper spray on your person at all times as a perfectly reasonable precaution.
Next, prepare yourself to be hounded by your friends to organise a group secret Santa, despite the fact that it is the first week of November, and not the time to be thinking of Christmas presents. When you try to tell them that your budget really can’t sustain gift giving this year, prepare to be shut down faster than the Lemmy when the clock hits 2 am. Just accept it, Christmas will be the death of you, and it will cause you to slip into your overdraft.

You’ll also be inevitably peer pressured into a £40 ball ticket. Now, the spending doesn’t end here if you are a woman: in order to avoid the judgemental glares of all those around you, it is imperative that you go out and spend more money that you don’t actually have (you’re in your overdraft, remember?) on a dress, as it is obviously a complete social faux pas to be seen in the same ball gown twice. But if you’re a man, fear not. You can wear the same tux every single time and no one will think worse of you for it, or look twice. Woo, double standards!

Just accept it, Christmas will be the death of you, and it will cause you to slip into your overdraft.

It seems that at this time of year, students tend to forget that the one stereotype that is mostly true about students is that we are incredibly strapped for cash. So, despite your lack of funds, you get roped into a flat, squad or society Christmas dinner (all three, if you’re super unlucky), because Christmas is all about spending time with your loved ones, therefore it is worth spending the extra money, even though you already see these people almost EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

You have managed to stop yourself imploding at all the unnecessarily Christmassy sights around campus and in town, but unfortunately this does not stop your tormenters’ unrelenting attempts at interpolating you into their disgustingly festive lifestyle. So, perhaps the best way to survive a student Christmas is to give up your lobbying against all these ridiculously early festivities and retreat into hibernation (this is likely to be sometime in March). I, for one, will be doing just this.

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