Be who you are…as long as it’s loudly heterosexual with glitter. This Pride Month, the
University proudly unveiled its inaugural Straight Ally Olympics, a noble contest celebrating
those heterosexual individuals who have made the most significant contributions,
occasionally to the dismay of the LGBTQ+ community. A celebration of the gays, by people
who once kissed their mate Jack for a rugby social initiation as a “dare”.
Among the frontrunners is Callum, a Politics undergrad whose wolf cut sways solemnly as
he distributes rainbow wristbands with the solemnity of a priest giving communion. His
declaration of being “an ally, always learning” echoes through the lecture halls.
Sophie, sporting denim jorts and a bisexual lighting crop top, dominates the Fashion Round.
Her Spotify Wrapped suspiciously features MUNA, Kim Petras, and an episode of The L
Word, proving her dedication to the cause. Her enamel pins alone could spark a small
rebellion.
In the Team Sports event, “Drunken Neck Kiss with Your Best Mate in Fever Toilets,” Tom
dazzles, despite controversy after admitting his Grindr download was “for solidarity.” Too far? Or genuine commitment?
Of course, controversy remains. Sebastian de Vere-Milford was disqualified after live-tweeting his attendance at a drag brunch with the caption: “Doing my bit 😌🌈AllyLife”. Judges ruled it “performative, but not in an interesting way.”
Meanwhile, Hugo Bellingham-Smythe impresses with limited edition Pride Doc Martens and a mesh tank top, delivering a land acknowledgement before every seminar. Arabella Pimm-Cholmondeley’s impassioned rendition of Born This Way, delivered in perfect RP, rounds out the competition.
Medals were awarded, glitter was spilled, and queer voices… well, mostly listened patiently. A rousing success.
