Henry Anderson gives his advice on how to build the best bunker in the event of a nuclear altercation!
So, Iran and China are flexing their muscles, Trump is President and Putin has relaxed the rules around nuclear missiles. What a time to be alive! As some fat finger hovers over a red button somewhere around the world, now is as good a time as any to begin “prepping” for judgement day. You need your very own nuclear bunker.
I know this sounds overwhelming but treat it as just an interior designing exercise. I will suggest some key tips and tricks for you to start but make it your own; add some personality to it!
‘A warm comfy bed is essential if you are crying yourself to sleep every night out of pure, uncontrollable horror and fear. Egyptian cotton bed sheets are lovely and soft for this!’
To begin with, you’re going to need about a few thousand tonnes of concrete. If you want to splash the cash, make it lead-lined. You will need a basement or some kind of garden area for this, so if you happen to not have either, you may be in trouble. I suggest you pool your forces with a friend who does. Now with the delays to construction in this country, it is likely the bunker will take about 20 years. If we are all still alive by then, and you still retain the funds, the next bit is the most fun. Decorating!
It is important to remember than in the event of nuclear annihilation, you may have to stay in your bunker for 20 years, because the nuclear winter will make earth practically uninhabitable. So, you need to make sure your bunker is as cute, cosy and liveable as possible.
First things first, you need some sort of decontamination area (ie a shower). Stock this with plenty of soap and shampoo, but no conditioner, moisturizer or body lotion, as these will bind radioactive particles to your skin. Say goodbye to your 20-step skin care routine!
You will also need somewhere to pass the nights. A warm comfy bed is essential if you are crying yourself to sleep every night out of pure, uncontrollable horror and fear. Egyptian cotton bed sheets are lovely and soft for this! To make it cosy, perhaps fill it pictures of holidays and places you will likely never see again.
Most importantly, have fun building your bunker!
Next, entertainment. You may have to go analogue on this. A home library is a good start (I would include Nuclear War Survival Skills by Cresson Kearny in this), as is some kind of music player (preferably CD – no Spotify if earth is a wasteland!) Then, your TV. Again, no Netflix, Prime, Disney, Apply TV, Now TV, Sky, or ITVX, so it’s back to DVDs. Some good suggestions I would say are Doctor Strangelove, Where the wind blows, The Day After, The Sum of all Fears, and a modern classic, Oppenheimer.
Now that it is designed, you need to stock it with some key items! Water and tinned food are a must, so perhaps get them from M&S for that top quality nuclear winter grub. Medicine too is essential, especially iodine tables. If you cannot get your hands on these, you can eat seaweed or potato peel instead. Yum!
Most importantly, have fun building your bunker!
