Lucas Eley takes does an investigation on the rumours circulating Exeter’s new elite force.
Following the thrilling, and definitely not slightly terrifying, news of rising defence spending across Europe, there has been one (not quite silver) green lining. Rumour has it that Exeter will be the source for a new elite regiment of bloodthirsty university students, known only as Shore-Nye’s Weather Watchers.
With multiple reports of training exercises all around Exeter coming in from the public we can only speculate how any enemy of the crown could ever hope to stand against these nigh special forces operators.
Close quarter battle training has been spotted across all our favourite clubs, reportedly being trained by the fearsome TP bouncers. As well as a gauntlet of crowd control practice that all students have battled through known only by its terrifying code name “operation trying to get a drink at The Vic”. University of Exeter Shooting are reportedly taking over rifle training as “all the soldiers already have their own licensed weapons” and “would just feel more comfortable” learning with a raging hangover.
Reporters from Exeposé were even invited to witness some field training exercises taking place in the fields near Duryard Halls, located somewhere between the border with Cornwall and the Eastern tip of Siberia (we’re not sure even the residents know). A regimental culture was clearly already developing with a new pattern of winter coat being developed just for this unit after multiple complaints that soldiers “just couldn’t be seen in anything less than a Barbour”.
“all the soldiers already have their own licensed weapons” and would just feel more comfortable learning with a raging hangover”.
However, this is far from the only new item of uniform the Army has reportedly introduced for these steely eyed dealers of death. The ubiquitous Army fleece supposedly being replaced with a significantly more stylish Schöffel; the traditional beret and peaked caps being replaced with a branded flat cap, “so I can also wear it to the races”; and Alt-Berg being subbed out for Loakes as the go to footwear provider.
All-in-all we here at Exeposé wish our valiant if inexperienced freshers and veteran university goers, also known as pensioners or third years, well on what is sure to be the most riveting Wednesday social yet.
