Campaign itineraries are typically a closely guarded secret. But contacts close to the party leaders have shown Exepose Sunak, Starmer, Davey and Farage’s schedules for tomorrow, Friday 14th June.
Rishi Sunak
7am – wake up, scream into pillow. Hide under covers for an hour.
8am – have the maid prepare caviar for breakfast. Watch Sky News while eating – couldn’t do this when I was a kid :(. Switch over if they’re showing a debate replay.
9am – go back to bed for an hour – mustn’t leave early again!
10am – take the helicopter to Euston Station. On the way, phone Craig Williams – tell him to bet on PM announcing plans to abolish inheritance tax.
10:30am – catch the train to Manchester. Send the kids some pictures!!
1pm – arrive in Manchester. Could get there a lot quicker if we hadn’t cocked up HS2.
2pm – photo op in a factory – try not to touch anyone.
3pm – back in the limo to Liverpool, don’t forget the booster seat!
4pm – speech at Anfield – announce plans to abolish inheritance tax. Blame state of the NHS on the doctors strikes.
5pm – try to get back to London without any defections. Have a sugary snack on the train.
8pm – it’s been a long day. Have a bath with a well-earned glass of Veuve Cliquot. Can pay for the bottle with Craig’s winnings.
Sir Keir Starmer
7am – wake up, tell the wife that my dad was a toolmaker.
8am – watch that video of Dawn Butler rapping.
8:01 am – try to forget that video of Dawn Butler rapping.
9am – take the kids to school, tell them their grandad was a toolmaker.
10am – Q and A at a local community centre. Pretend you’ve got hearing problems if anyone asks about Corbyn.
12pm – announce intention to lower the voting age to 12.
1pm – lunch on Angie Rayner’s battle bus. How come she’s got her own fridge?
2pm – announce intention to cap the voting age at 30.
4pm – pre record TV interview with Channel 4. If asked if I’m a robot, be sure to splutter and stumble over the answer like a malfunctioning robot.
6pm – power down, install software update.
7pm – meet grandad at the care home for dinner. Tell him his son was a toolmaker.
Ed Davey
7am – early rise – Alton Towers opens at 10!
8am – roller skate the 20 miles from the hotel to the park.
10am – announce a solemn pledge to eradicate child poverty while going down a log flume.
11am – announce a new aid package to Ukraine while riding the dodgems.
12pm – announce plan to re enter the Common Market while on the front row of The Smiler.
1pm – leave the park. Unicycle to next event.
2pm – speech at a local nature reserve. Announce some genuinely sound plans to tackle climate change, ruin it all by intentionally falling into a lake.
4pm – announce proposals for adult social care reform. While skydiving.
6pm – Interview with ITV news. Deny allegations that I’ve copy and pasted my strategy straight out of the Boris Johnson playbook.
8pm – head home. Throw out a few more policies before bedtime. Free to watch football matches! Income tax capped at 10%! Ban on bad weather! Turns out you can promise anything you like when you know you’re not going to win!
Nigel Farage
7:30am – wake up, kiss Enoch Powell poster.
8am – go to make breakfast, realise I’ve run out of milk. Blame the Islamists.
9am – daily audit of Reform candidates. Disavow the nakedly fascistic, admonish the mildly xenophobic, and remove the deceased.
10am – leave the house, pay someone to throw a Mcflurry at me so I can get back in the headlines
12am – make sure to be pictured having a pint in the local Wetherspoons – people need to know I’m the common man! Don’t mention I went to Dulwich College (£17,000 per term).
1pm – interview with BBC. If presenter mentions my 7 failed attempts at election, be sure to strop like a petulant child.
2pm – issue 48th condemnation of Sunak for leaving D-Day ceremony early. Be sure to make a dog whistle reference to him ‘not understanding our culture’.
3pm – speech on Clacton Pier. Tell everyone I’m an outsider to the establishment, even though I was a city trader for 15 years and an MEP for 20.
4pm – announce plans to stop the small boats by electrifying the Channel.
6pm – dinner at Nandos – remember everyone, I’m just like you!
7pm – return to house in London, wouldn’t want to spend my Friday night in Clacton would I!
