In a year of incredibly turbulent politics, the politicians who have been at the centre of 2016’s biggest stories are looking forward to winding down with their relatives – be they humans or lizard-people – and enjoying the festive season. What better way to start than by compiling their Christmas wish lists? My inside sources have managed to secure the Christmas lists of several politicians and are willing to release them in this article.
David Cameron has two wishes on his Christmas list. The first is that people stop posting fake Christmas lists through his door that just have ‘pigs in blankets’ written on them, and the second is a full West Ham Villa football kit. Of course, he has another, extra private, Christmas list that just has ‘pigs in blankets’ written on it.
Nigel Farage’s Christmas list consists of a single item, that being the literary skills necessary to pen his long-fantasised, semi-autobiographical, and deeply moving erotic novel, which stars himself and Donald Trump. Nigel has had the story – what he considers to be his life’s ultimate purpose – in the early stages of development for some time now, but lacks the creative skill to bring it into fruition. This leaked passage shows that there is much to be desired in his prose: “Suddenly the golden lift grinded to a sexy halt. ‘That will be a mechanical fault with the elevator mechanism,’ Donald said in a sultry fashion, whilst caressing my quivering face with his travel-sized hands. ‘We have roughly seven minutes before the necessary adjustments will be made by my staff to free us from this erotic prison.’ I braced myself for Donald to grab me by the…” This is sadly where the entry ends, but it’s clear to see that Nigel really needs his Christmas wish to come true.
Jeremy Corbyn has asked Santa for the ability to be politically inspiring. The exact quote from his Christmas list is as follows: “Dear Santa, please give me more charisma than a comatose jellyfish, and the ability to be more politically forceful than a mouse’s cough. Lots of love, Jezza xox. P.S. can I also have a shirt with ‘Davey Cameron is a pie’ on it?”
All Theresa May wants for Christmas is to be more prominent in the public eye than Nigel Farage, since she’s the Prime Minister of the UK and he’s an old man whose only job now is to get angry at progress on Twitter.
Boris Johnson wants a really cool scooter.