Tis’ the season to be jolly, and what better way to express your festive spirit than in a mass of brightly coloured, nauseating fabric? Yes that’s right, it’s the season of good will and ugly Christmas jumpers. I do enjoy festive knitwear, but I tend to gravitate towards the cutesy, covered-in-gingerbread-men look rather than the full blown ‘ugly’ vibe. In light of this, it’s time to delve into the depths of the internet and find the ugliest, most antisocial jumpers that you wouldn’t wear in front of your grandma.
First stop, Amazon. Not the usual choice for clothing but there are some utterly horrifying items to discover. My personal favourite features a fire breathing dinosaur who sits atop a galactic background whilst he towers over mounds of gifts. It almost reflects a child at Christmas – excitable and hyperactive. It even features the classic 2003-esque WordArt. A garish monstrosity that will cost you £21, accessorise your wardrobe with a piece that will burn the retinas off your peers for years to come.
Next on the journey of ugly jumper discovery is the wonderful TipsyElves shop. They offer an array of hideous knitwear (including one rather adorable sloth cardigan) to suit all tastes and budgets. I eventually settled on three specific items. Two are part of a range that seemingly desires to ridicule the notion of Father Christmas. One features a topless Santa as a mermaid (Mermanta). One for fans of both Christmas and The Little Mermaid, this raunchy number is sure to get hearts racing (if you’re into that kind of thing). For fans of the Kardashians, the second Santa satire plays on the viral image of Kim Kardashian balancing champagne on her afamed booty. Unfortunately, Santa isn’t high brow enough for champers so he cheekily balances a glass of milk on his derriere. I’m not sure whether leaving milk out for Santa was intended for this purpose but if you deliver presents to the whole world, I guess you can do what you want. Both these grotesque designs are offensively festive and are sure to raise a few brows if that’s the look that you are going for. Another gem is akin to the tangled mess of decorations which are hauled out of the attic each year. Just imagine said box compressed onto a cardigan. Complete with tinsel, baubles and a lurid green hue, you’re sure to resemble a Christmas tree as you get merry with your pals. Battery operated lights are encouraged to really add the glitz to your festive glamour! Alternativel=y, accessorise with the addition of bells. You will be the very definition of jingle bells, envied by all who lay their eyes upon you. An iconic statement piece that will give you that pine based glow!
Next stop, Etsy. Famous for hand crafted goods, it was the last place I expected to find hideous jumpers. Technically, this particular jumper is more adorable than hideous. Featuring both puns and a sweet little avocado, I thought it was suited to the Exetah obsession. Personally, I despise avocados. They are terrible in both texture and taste and quite frankly should not be parading about on a Christmas jumper. There are other vegetables that have all the Christmas spirit: like the sprout or even the humble parsnip. But yes, if you desire to showcase your love of the overrated avocado whilst being as festive as can be, then this jumper is for you.
Avoiding the high street shops even further, I visited the online shop ‘truffleshuffle’. With a plethora of quirky clothing, I wasn’t surprised to find some funky designs on the site. My personal favourite was an item that I would consider wearing myself. Featuring a bright, fun design with the traditional icons of Christmas, this beauty possesses the ability to scream “MERRY CHRISTMAS” at people when they stroll past you. Upon wearing this, people will become infected by your passion for the most wonderful time of the year. The neon colours act as a lure for any unsuspecting Scrooges; one flash and they will be skipping alongside you singing Michael Bublé (we all know he’s out of his cave now). That, or they will hiss, spritz some kind of holy water at you and retreat into the land of Bah Humbug. A truly magnificent, slightly nauseating item to top off some of the most hideous jumpers around.
