Exeter, Devon UK • Feb 22, 2024 • VOL XII

Exeter, Devon UK • [date-today] • VOL XII
Home SatireExesketched Napoleon voted Guild President for all nine lives

Napoleon voted Guild President for all nine lives

Madi Wharmby reports on Napoleon the campus cat's rise to the Presidency of Exeter's Student Guild.
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Napoleon voted Guild President for all nine lives

Image: Clémence Smith

Madi Wharmby reports on Napoleon the campus cat’s rise to the Presidency of Exeter’s Student Guild.

Napoleon the campus cat was crowned as the winner of the Guild Elections for the position of Guild President on an indefinite basis. The lucky cat commandeered an incredible 98% of the vote. Students were reportedly charmed by Napoleon’s bright eyes, gleaming fur and ‘purrfect’ manifesto, listed below:

I pledge to you 

  • Free catnip for all on a discreet basis in DH1
  • Installing cat flaps to improve accessibility
  • £2 meal deal extended to include a cat food option 
  • Dogs outlawed on campus, no exceptions
  • A ban on cucumbers in public spaces because they might cause some people distress
  • Kittens in university-managed accommodation 
  • A new BA in Felinology
  • No more reading week, instead piloting a ‘feeding week’

Napoleon was asked by Exepose why he wanted to run for President, and he responded: 

‘I saw a cucumber and my life flashed before my eyes. I realised, why am I not doing more? Why is such an atrocity permitted in our modern society? That’s when I knew the presidency was for me. 

I’ve got nine lives, and I’d like to spend one of them improving the appawling state of this university. I’m thrilled that the students of Exeter were willing to take a chance on me and I vow to make this campus a better place for cat lovers everywhere.’

I’ve got nine lives, and I’d like to spend one of them improving the appawling state of this university.

Napoleon

Napoleon reportedly met for drinks with Trey ‘Captain Hook’ Tallon, who advised him that the way to win a Guild election was by really making yourself unforgettable on campus.

Now the real question is, will we see results? That’s what many students are wondering after the feline dictator was spotted chasing his own tail for six hours straight while the other candidates were present at Candidate Question Time. He was even spotted dozing in the sun the day after his victory, raising questions of possible complacency in his new role. There are whispers among concerned students that the furry feline is planning ‘Napoleonic pawfare’ in Exeter 

An unhappy student declared the win to be a ‘cat-astrophe’ and ‘discriminatory against ailurophobes and people with fur allergies.’ She angrily commented, ‘The clue is in the name. Napoleon. He might look cute and fluffy on the outside, but he’s a dictator at heart and will stop at nothing to preserve his power and undermine human rights. Cats are sneaky and cleverer than they look, don’t be fooled by those adorable eyes.’

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