Dear Foreign Secretary,
Following the recent training of students from the University of Exeter, I am more worried than ever that Britain will not be ready in case of war.
Last week I instructed them to clean the barracks and they asked for a three day extension. The complaints are endless. Firstly, they refused to change into army uniform – saying their blue shirts and brown chinos were “part of their identity!” They then moved on to complaining about the standard of the food – apparently it is not up to the same standard of the Ivy.
Also, for all their studying, they appear not to know people bleed red, not green. They shout it out at random during fitness training, despite no one being injured. I am most confused. Hours allegedly spent behind their laptop screens have also not done their fitness levels any favours. The most exercise they appear to have done is walking to Pret and back- the queue of which has gone up considerably since they’ve moved to the area!
Chaos ensued the other day when we were in the middle of weapon training, and someone yelled “BeReal!” To my utter surprise and disbelief, everyone screamed in panic, immediately dropping their weapons to get their phones out and start posing! It was the fastest I’d seen them move. Not to mention, shots went off! I had a student injured, and in between screams of pain he asked if they caught it on BeReal behind the scenes!
Alas, I had had high hopes with the rugby lads but the best skill they have is chopping a pint.
Finally, I cannot tell anymore people that there will not be a ski trip! This is the army for goodness sake!
In light of these events, I beg you to please reconsider who you may be asking to go to war.
A truly baffled Training Officer.