Disclaimer: The following is the imagination of a typical day in the summer holidays for an unemployed male student at Exeter University. It is in no way a reflection and/or derivation of any members of institutions such as The Chelsea Lifejacket, Shooting Society or Caledonian Society.
9:00am: Wake up. The time of this is often subject to change depending on the events of the day, but can usually vary between 8am and 12:30pm.
9:30am: Breakfast. This usually consists of just a cup of coffee as often even the thought of making breakfast is far too arduous for such an early hour. One just has enough strength to crawl out of bed and make a cup of instant coffee before watching TikTok videos for at least an hour.
11:00am: Exercise. Today, Mother booked me a tennis lesson which mostly consisted of me using my racket as a makeshift shotgun that I’d aim at any pigeons that had the misfortune of flying overhead. This however is also subject to change depending if Willouby invites me back for another round of golf, or if the lads fancy a sporting game of croquet.
12:00pm: Lunch. Usually, I’ll throw together something from whatever’s in the fridge. Yesterday it was a duck egg omelette with raclette cheese and spiced jamon, but today the fridge forgot to restock itself so I’ve had to go for typical a smoked salmon bagel with cream cheese and dill.
2:00pm: Afternoon activities. This is mostly just time to stir the pot on several different group chats. I have at least four that detail plans of a big group trip that inevitably won’t happen. Today I messaged one saying ‘Zante?’ which got six people arguing over different flights and Airbnb’s.
3:00pm. Work: despite being unemployed I do have several zero-hour contracts with various free-lance work agencies, so I might have a look if to see if there are any shifts available for next week, but as I don’t take any shifts outside of West London, usually there aren’t any. Instead, Dad normally puts me in contact with one of his mates who either needs a low level job done but can’t be bothered to do it themselves, or ask me to help them hide from their wives by caddying for them on the weekend or rolling their cigarettes in the local members club. Either way it helps to top up the budget for the pub and they all work in finance so I can technically call it ‘networking’.
7:00: Dinner. Dinner is often dictated on whether Mum is at home or in the country house. If she’s home, she’ll russle up something easy like truffle risotto or beef Wellington. If not then its pasta and tomato sauce.
9:00: Pub. Most days I’ll meet Digby and Humphrey at the pub where we’ll either go to The Duke’s Pony or The Shropshire Arms. Tonight, some friends from Penny C Tabatha, Annabella and Esmeralda are also joining.
11:00: Afters. Inevitably we’ll end up back at someone’s flat for a brandy and cigar. Occasionally we’ll go to one of the more popular clubs like Embargo’s or Inferno’s if we are feeling a bit raunchy. But usually we’ll keep things more civilised.
12:00: Bed. After such a long and arduous day it’s time for bed where I’ll take my mind off the stresses of the day by spending another 2 hours on Tik Tok, with a few minutes on Hinge in between; I don’t want a relationship but it’s nice to pretend I’m looking. And with that I’ll fall asleep ready to do it all again tomorrow.
