Bella Maclusky shares advice on how to ditch unwanted company this Valentines day.
Valentines’ day has been and gone, but your lucky Timepiece date is still lingering. Like Andie in the hit romcom ‘How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”, you are now on a mission to shake off an unwanted situationship. We have created a short but sweet 10-day plan to repulse any University of Exeter Rugby player without wounding his ego.
Day 1:
When you next see him, discretely leave a pink toothbrush next to his sink, and a teddy on his bed. Boy university rooms are horrible anyway, he might not notice immediately. Some crystals and a love fern could add an extra level to this step.
Day 2:
He’s panicked by your quasi move-in attempt, but not deterred! For your next date, insist it clashes with a Six Nations Rugby Game, even better if his team is playing. Maybe even plan a Taylor Swift Tour movie marathon on the same night.
Day 3:
It’s a Wednesday, and he’s out at Timepiece. We will let him enjoy the social for tonight, but once he’s in the club, ring him and tell him everything you did that day, including your excitement about Pret’s new vegan items. When midnight strikes, facetime him and insist he picks up, and get him to leave his night out with the boys early – you’re more fun anyway. This is a great opportunity to overuse pet names like pookie, honey chunks and cuddle-monster in front of the boys.
‘Walk into the men’s toilets in Timepiece and chat warmly with his friends at the urinals’
Day 4:
Somehow, he still isn’t scared off. We need to up the ammo. Order a customised rugby shirt for him to wear to matches. Add some personal flare, like pink lace, or diamante studs, but do not forget to add your name to the back. Insist he wears it to practise and even games.
Day 5:
Show up to his rugby practise unannounced. Better yet, bring your friends with pompoms and big glittery signs with his name on. Cheer him through his warm up and game. Afterwards, be sure to walk through the Forum holding hands, you in your cheer kit and him in his bedazzled rugby shirt. There’s no better way to establish yourselves as a new campus couple.
Day 6:
Wash his tie in your perfume, so he remembers you wherever he goes. Everyone knows it’s a big no-no to wash your Wednesday rugby tie, but he’s entering a new era with you, and it’s important he always has a reminder of you with him at socials and in Timepiece.
Day 7:
Book a spa weekend on the same day as his big game, and email his team about it before telling him. This way, he is taken off the team sheet, and all of his team mates will think he chose the spa and you over his match and team.
Day 8:
Show up to his next social with a hot water bottle, personal sick bucket, blanket and fluffy nightgown for your tired, drunk rugby boy and scold his team mates for forcing him to drink. How could they be so cruel to pookie!
Day 9:
Message his mum on Facebook, introducing yourself as his girlfriend. As his life-partner, you’re concerned about his drinking problem, and are worried about the welfare of his inner child during rugby socials. Alert his mother to these issues, and suggest she teach him some better personal hygiene skills while you’re at it.
Day 10:
The final straw. Walk into the men’s toilets in Timepiece and chat warmly with his friends at the urinals. You want to ‘open up’ male spaces, and de-construct their masculinities to reveal the scared boys within. This offence is surely the last. Well done, you can be sure he won’t reply to your next midnight call about the latest Taylor Swift release.
There you have it, a step-by-step guide on how to not just end your situationship, but also ensure the rest of the Rugby club never come near you again!
