Breaking news! To avoid a spectacular debacle like the one seen this week in the White House, an emergency decorum handbook has been magnanimously prepared by anonymous sources with connections to the President himself. The President may have labelled Ukrainian leader Zelensky disrespectful, offered (unsolicited) critique on his attire, and asked him to leave the party early, but he is nothing if not the expert on manners and grace! Our summarised advice is as follows – take notes!
Attempting to speak will be understood as an unforgiveable faux pas
First, everyone knows that the President is a figure of utmost generosity and sympathy. As such, he must be thanked approximately four times before the start of any conversation. For what, sources are unsure, but this has been underlined several times and is clearly of utmost importance. One does not want to come across as ungrateful, naturally.
Second, conversational norms do not apply when in the presence of such a 21st century great. Attempting to speak will be understood as an unforgiveable faux pas. Yawning, sneezing or sighing are all on thin ice. The distraction is simply not worth missing a singular word the esteemed President has to say. Donald Trump: genius, billionaire, and above all completely humble.
Third and final, physical appearance is of great significance to our lord and saviour. Four acceptable suit companies have generously been listed below for your convenience (it appears all listed companies have gone into administration and could not be contacted). The President is an exceptional businessman, and it is his intention to Make Suits Great Again. A tie is, of course, desirable. Avoid the colour red. The President appreciates a good tan, and masks are not an appropriate accessory.
We hope that there will be no further confusion about what are, quite frankly, very low standards for acceptable conduct and dress when meeting and conversing with President Trump.
