SHARE

I

had been seeing this guy for a few weeks and we were getting on really well – I really liked him. I went round to his house one evening and we cooked dinner together –  fish with pesto, vegetables and red onions, which he chopped. After dinner we went upstairs to his room and started making out, getting a bit heated, as it does! It was when we started to remove clothing and his hands started wandering when I felt it – a stinging sensation like nothing I have ever felt before – it burned like a bitch down there. And now I always make my boyfriends wash their hands before sex, ESPECIALLY when handling raw onion.”

my housemates had to sit there listening to a sexually unsatisfied gold rusher with ruined shoes

When the sex is that good, you’re willing to let him interrupt a house Christmas dinner for a quickie. Tipsy enough to blur out his Exetah chat about his new Polo white shoes, I dragged him up to my room. It wasn’t long before I found myself pinned against my window as my blinds begin to detach from the wall and fall onto my head, smashing my half-full wine glass. As if explaining the incident to my landlord wouldn’t have required an extensive process of coming up with an excuse, my housemates had to sit there listening to a sexually unsatisfied gold rusher with ruined shoes. Not to anyone’s surprise, a Christmas cracker and a free mince pie was enough to distract him.”

It’s a Friday night and I’m round at this guy’s place. It’s starting to get steamy and alcohol makes me a little adventurous, so for once I was enthusiastic about taking the lead and going on top. It was going swimmingly until we decided to ‘change up the pace’, and as I started getting a bit out of breath (I’m not the fittest of people), I tried to adjust to a more intimate position. He, however, had other ideas, and accidentally punched me in the face. Not exactly the most romantic move. To make matters worse, this awful turn of events triggered one of the worst nosebleeds I’ve ever had, leaving the poor guy to just throw tissues at me that he luckily found in his bedside table. I say ‘poor guy’ – it can’t have been that bad, because whilst I was stemming the flow from my aching nose… he just carried on.”

bookmark me

NO COMMENTS