As I sit here, a weary and wrinkled soon-to-be third year student, it’s apt that I impart some of my top tips for making that 8:30 seminar and concealing the fact that you’re majorly hanging out of your arse.
Fortunately for you, this is an area in which I am a certified pro. Having been blessed with two consecutive years of 9:30 seminars every Wednesday and an unwavering loyalty to Cheesey Tuesdays, I have conquered hungover dressing.
The first step is always teeth. I don’t care where you woke up, be it your bed, someone else’s bed, a bush, or face first in a pile vomit, brush those toothy pegs. Failing that, find some chewing gum and chew as if you’re Violet Beauregard. The very, very last resort is to pinch a menthol cig off a pal and puff away as if it’s the last scrap of oxygen on earth, however this is not advisable if you’re in the nausea stage of hungover.
Step two, Febreeze. Depending on the level of rogue your night achieved, there may be some ahem bodily fluids on your clothing. At the very least, there’ll be a hell of a lot of sticky alcohol stained down your front. Fear not! You can still wear that outfit to a seminar! First, evaluate the practicality of the outfit. As someone who regularly shows too much tit on a night out, a scarf becomes my best friend the morning after. Once you’ve covered any incriminating bits of clothing, spray that Febreeze. Spray it good. And I’m not talking that “clean linen” crap, oh no baby, the only thing that’s going to cover the smell of club sweat is sickly sweet summer berries.
If you do indeed to change outfits, I’d recommend something loose. It’s inevitable that once the sickness passes, you’re going to devour something that contains almost too much grease to be fit for human consumption. Therefore, give yourself room to grow. Stuff your face all you want without the worry of food babies and eventually you will feel the life slowly renter your soul.
With regards to face, I like to tell myself that if my peers see me when I am at my roughest, they’ll appreciate when I make an effort. However, if the thought of attempting a lecture whilst hungover and still wearing last night’s glitter is sending shivers down your spine, the solution is very simple. Baby wipes. Showering before an 8:30 is something we all know we should do but when you went to bed at 5am, climbing Everest is more appealing. Get yourself some of those heavy duty baby wipes, if those things can handle literal shit and vomit, they can certainly take on your glittery collarbones. I’m afraid TP stamps are only removable once the bearer has been forced to wear their badge of shame for long enough.
Yes, all the above could be avoided if one didn’t hit the club the night before an early lecture. Of course, your degree is your priority at University. Just remember this, if you turn up to work still tipsy from the night before you’ll probably get fired, at uni nobody will even notice. They’re probably still tipsy too.