Exeter, Devon UK • Feb 22, 2024 • VOL XII

Exeter, Devon UK • [date-today] • VOL XII
Home Satire Gradstonbury

Gradstonbury

5 mins read
Written by

Gradstonbury

Image: Image credits: exploringexeter.co.uk, Wikimedia Commons, pixabay

Stanley Murphy-Johns evaluates the University of Exeter’s upcoming Gradstonbury festival

As the end of another academic year approaches like an ominous cloud of regret and misspent time, we look towards graduation. This year the University of Exeter will be holding its first ever graduation festival, Gradstonbury, to celebrate hosting three cohorts worth of graduation in a single summer. Some eager alumni yet to find grad jobs have already begun to pitch tents because, well, they had nothing better to do. These tents are providing a terrifying reminder to all the current third years that graduation signals the beginning of the end for all their hopes and dreams.

Some students, having escaped university just as the pandemic began, are reported to be finding it strange to be back. One student remarked: “It’s like returning to the scene of the crime — this place nicked a solid £27,000 from me — but yeah it’s really nice to be back.”

It is expected that this will be the single largest gathering of rich but largely disappointed parents the UK has ever seen, and the second largest gathering of hungover students ever, with the first place prize going to the University of Plymouth (who have to drink to forget they live there).

The single largest gathering of rich but largely disappointed parents the UK has ever seen and the second largest gathering of hungover students ever.

All in all, it looks set to be an incredible moment of pure anti-climax in the lives of many Exeter students past and present. Watch as these broken young people stagger across the stage and into the rest of their lives, supposedly enriched by the three years they have spent destroying their livers with cocktails and ketamine and collecting mental illnesses like Pokémon.
So join us for what is sure to be the event of the year!

You may also like

Subscribe to our newsletter

Sign Up for Our Newsletter