Exeter, Devon UK • Jul 18, 2024 • VOL XII

Exeter, Devon UK • [date-today] • VOL XII
Home Satire Bed bugs in Exeter!

Bed bugs in Exeter!

Annabel Jeffrey theorises that it may not be just Paris facing bedbugs, and that we should be more careful of Exeter's nooks and crannies.
5 mins read
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After a busy summer, bed bugs are saying au revoir to the nooks and crannies of Paris, departing for their
autumn-winter vacances around the world.

According to French entomologist Jean-Michel Berenger, there is an increase in les punaises each summer, with unsuspecting tourists’ suitcases becoming their private jet to explore the joie de vivre of a new bedroom. And rumour has it, in true French revolutionary style, they have their sights set on the affluent blood of Exeter.

Despite the hazmat suits adorned by some passengers to deter their not-so-secret admirers, not all Eurostar travellers could escape the critters’ travels for London. After a spring-summer of immigration policy planning, it was reported last week that UK Home Secretary Suella Braverman, could be heard finalising extended plans with French Interior Minister Gérald Darmanin, to reportedly ‘stop the trains’; ‘Britain is full’, and that it has been for a long while: of bed bugs long before their French cousins crossed the channel. In August this year, pest control company Rentokil reported a 65% increase year-on-year in infestations across the UK.

Exeter will not be exempt from this ongoing migration, and why would it be, with the return of a large proportion of its student population from London and the home counties following Reading Week? After all, there are a bounty of establishments that only the refined French bed bug can truly appreciate in Exeter. An honourable mention of course goes to the lovely crimson carpet at Impy, always a reliable source to find hosts for blood meals, and of course, the added fragrance of cheap beer and red wine. Don’t say we don’t treat you well here in Exeter, mes amis.

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