Exeter, Devon UK • Jul 24, 2024 • VOL XII

Exeter, Devon UK • [date-today] • VOL XII
Home General Election A typical day on the campaign trail

A typical day on the campaign trail

Inside contacts have leaked the party leader's itineraries to Exepose!
2 min read
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(Images credited below)

Campaign itineraries are typically a closely guarded secret. But contacts close to the party leaders have shown Exepose Sunak, Starmer, Davey and Farage’s schedules for tomorrow, Friday 14th June.

Rishi Sunak

‘Look natural Rishi’ (Image: No10 via Wikimedia Commons)

7am – wake up, scream into pillow. Hide under covers for an hour.

8am – have the maid prepare caviar for breakfast. Watch Sky News while eating – couldn’t do this when I was a kid :(. Switch over if they’re showing a debate replay.

9am – go back to bed for an hour – mustn’t leave early again!

10am – take the helicopter to Euston Station. On the way, phone Craig Williams – tell him to bet on PM announcing plans to abolish inheritance tax.

10:30am – catch the train to Manchester. Send the kids some pictures!!

1pm – arrive in Manchester. Could get there a lot quicker if we hadn’t cocked up HS2.

2pm – photo op in a factory – try not to touch anyone.

3pm – back in the limo to Liverpool, don’t forget the booster seat!

4pm – speech at Anfield – announce plans to abolish inheritance tax. Blame state of the NHS on the doctors strikes.

5pm – try to get back to London without any defections. Have a sugary snack on the train.

8pm – it’s been a long day. Have a bath with a well-earned glass of Veuve Cliquot. Can pay for the bottle with Craig’s winnings.

Sir Keir Starmer

(Image: Chris McAndrew via Wikimedia Commons)

7am – wake up, tell the wife that my dad was a toolmaker.

8am – watch that video of Dawn Butler rapping.

8:01 am – try to forget that video of Dawn Butler rapping.

9am – take the kids to school, tell them their grandad was a toolmaker.

10am – Q and A at a local community centre. Pretend you’ve got hearing problems if anyone asks about Corbyn.

12pm – announce intention to lower the voting age to 12.

1pm – lunch on Angie Rayner’s battle bus. How come she’s got her own fridge?

2pm – announce intention to cap the voting age at 30.

4pm – pre record TV interview with Channel 4. If asked if I’m a robot, be sure to splutter and stumble over the answer like a malfunctioning robot.

6pm – power down, install software update.

7pm – meet grandad at the care home for dinner. Tell him his son was a toolmaker.

Ed Davey

(Image: Chris McAndrew via Wikimedia Commons)

7am – early rise – Alton Towers opens at 10!

8am – roller skate the 20 miles from the hotel to the park.

10am – announce a solemn pledge to eradicate child poverty while going down a log flume.

11am – announce a new aid package to Ukraine while riding the dodgems.

12pm – announce plan to re enter the Common Market while on the front row of The Smiler.

1pm – leave the park. Unicycle to next event.

2pm – speech at a local nature reserve. Announce some genuinely sound plans to tackle climate change, ruin it all by intentionally falling into a lake.

4pm – announce proposals for adult social care reform. While skydiving.

6pm – Interview with ITV news. Deny allegations that I’ve copy and pasted my strategy straight out of the Boris Johnson playbook.

8pm – head home. Throw out a few more policies before bedtime. Free to watch football matches! Income tax capped at 10%! Ban on bad weather! Turns out you can promise anything you like when you know you’re not going to win!

Nigel Farage

(Image: Nigel Farage via Wikimedia Commons)

7:30am – wake up, kiss Enoch Powell poster.

8am – go to make breakfast, realise I’ve run out of milk. Blame the Islamists.

9am – daily audit of Reform candidates. Disavow the nakedly fascistic, admonish the mildly xenophobic, and remove the deceased.

10am – leave the house, pay someone to throw a Mcflurry at me so I can get back in the headlines

12am – make sure to be pictured having a pint in the local Wetherspoons – people need to know I’m the common man! Don’t mention I went to Dulwich College (£17,000 per term).

1pm – interview with BBC. If presenter mentions my 7 failed attempts at election, be sure to strop like a petulant child.

2pm – issue 48th condemnation of Sunak for leaving D-Day ceremony early. Be sure to make a dog whistle reference to him ‘not understanding our culture’.

3pm – speech on Clacton Pier. Tell everyone I’m an outsider to the establishment, even though I was a city trader for 15 years and an MEP for 20.

4pm – announce plans to stop the small boats by electrifying the Channel.

6pm – dinner at Nandos – remember everyone, I’m just like you!

7pm – return to house in London, wouldn’t want to spend my Friday night in Clacton would I!

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