Archaeological dig unearths tremendous trove of stuff lost on nights out
Henry Hood, Online Sports Editor, discusses an earth-shattering archaeological discovery, sure to rewrite and reveal much about student evolutionary history
A recent archaeological dig on the university campus, under the lost and found cupboard, has uncovered a hoard of ancient treasure. It has offered a fascinating insight into our past.
Some items in the collection have been dated by experts to be from as far back as the late 1990s. A collection of lost clothes were uncovered, but many were reportedly seized by savvy students and sold for exponential profit on Depop as ‘vintage’ wear. The team has refused to comment on the whereabouts of these missing items, but were keen to stress their involvement in an upcoming vintage kilo sale they are hosting to raise awareness for the thefts.
Other items include long-lost handwritten essays. Exeposé reached out to an alumnus whose essay was found at the site, and they had the following to say: “I’m delighted this masterpiece has been found. I spent a whole day on this and was distraught when I lost it. I thought my dog had eaten it, but then I remembered I don’t even have a dog!”
Despite initial excitement, the dig team were disappointed to find that what was first believed to be a vintage bottle of green VK turned out instead to be incredibly mouldy water. Speaking to one student on the team who tasted the substance, he said “I had half a bottle and had to go to hospital – it’s exactly what happens when I have a VK too. The resemblance is uncanny”.
Countless lost ID cards were also uncovered, although many of them were lost again almost instantly. One card in particular has attracted widespread attention: a Pret subscription card from over 10 years ago. It is currently uncertain whether it still works, but people have queued round the block waiting to look at this specific antiquity, sparking widespread complaints about the length of yet another Pret queue.
Countless ID cards were also uncovered, although many were lost again almost instantly.
One ground-breaking find was a group of friends who had been missing for over half an hour on a night out. A confidential source close to these people confirmed that they were delighted to re-find their friends, having lost them in TP after they went to the toilets. The source declined to comment how much alcohol had been consumed that night.
A number of lost dignities have also been recovered, including some from current students. If you or a friend have recently lost your dignity on a night out, we urge you to get in contact with the archaeological team.
