Here we are again, the DCEU has paraded another grisly few hours of cinema in front of us like a child with a crude drawing of a house. But rather than putting it on the fridge, I’m going to shit all over it because I have no feelings of paternal love for DC, and their unwavering desire to make superheroes as un-fun as possible is not endearing. To be clear, I haven’t seen Justice League, but what I am going to do is accurately predict exactly what happens in the film based on my knowledge of the previous instalments in the franchise and the trailers. I’ve done this whole shtick before, and much like DC, I’m just rehashing and hoping for the best.

But before we dive into the plot, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the most hilarious piece of movie trivia in the history of Hollywood: Henry Cavill’s upper lip is CGI for a good deal of the film. Because he was contractually obliged to retain his facial hair for another role – and Superman is historically clean shaven – they had to give Cavill a bare lip in post-production, which I find incredible. Nothing in this article will be as funny as that fact, so you may as well stop now.

For those of you sticking with it, let’s head into my prediction of the story, a prediction that many critics are calling ‘The Alternative Canon.’ Justice League opens on Batman, as played by the marginally less problematic Affleck brother. He has a glass of bat-whisky in one hand and a dumbbell in the other, just getting extremely mad as he thinks about how much he hates crime. Suddenly Alfred comes rushing in. “Batman!” he yells, Britishly. “The bat-radar is showing an encroaching antagonist. It looks like a big grey guy who’s on fire is going to be threatening the whole planet– or at least a vague abandoned industrial zone!”

a glass of bat-whisky in one hand and a dumbbell in the other, just getting extremely mad as he thinks about how much he hates crime

Batman realises he can’t face such a threat alone, so he goes to the only person who can help: Wonder Woman; the bittersweet reminder of the DCEU’s lone critical hit, like the successful brother who comes to the family dinner and talks about how it’s actually quite difficult to run two advertising businesses from a yacht. Anyway, for some reason, the most physically powerful woman on earth who has centuries of wisdom is friends with Ben Affleck, and the two of them decide they need to get a team together. The team consists of: Aquaman, AKA thicc Moses. Cyborg, whose tragic origin story is that he accidentally went into a teleporter at the same time as a pile of cutlery and came out all Robocoppy. And The Flash (real name “Jonathan Comicrelief”).

It takes a fair old bit of persuading for Batman to get these loveable rogues on his side. He has to teach Cyborg how to love, remove some beer-can packaging from around Aquaman’s neck, and help The Flash figure out how to talk to all the high school chicks. But after a while, they’re all hanging out in a bar like old friends. They all laugh at Aquaman because he just orders a large water, The Flash drinks his beer in 0.3 seconds, Cyborg refuses any liquid whatsoever because he doesn’t want to rust, and other such whimsical hijinks.

They could continue this merry laddish bonding forever, but there’s no time for that, the big grey guy who’s on fire has arrived with an army of what looks like that miserable flying bloke in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Wonder Woman bursts in (totally ruining guy-time!) to get their help. “We could really use some justice out here!” she yells. The boys all look at each other. “Get a load of this broad,” their shared glance says, but they go out there to assist. The team take out lots of the flying chaps, but they realise the big grey guy who’s on fire is more powerful than they could’ve possibly imagined, because he got a magic sword from Wonder Woman land. He threatens to destroy everything they love before disappearing into a cloud of smoke. “He’s…quite the tough customer…hooee,” says The Flash in-between breaths. The audience loves it, he’s just a regular guy! But the team realises it’s not looking good for them.

Meanwhile, we cut to the Batcave, where Alfred is anxiously knitting doilies. The shadow of a man falls over him, and Alfred looks relieved. “Thank god you’ve returned. This is really super, man,” he says. The audience is bursting with anticipation about who this mystery figure could be. It cuts to the reverse shot. Who is it? Shitting hell it’s Superman. “That’s right, Alfred. It’s me, bitch,” says Superman, his upper lip flapping like a sock in the wind. “I had to go bone Lois Lane just now but I’m ready to do some justice leaguing, or whatever.” Alfred shows him Batman’s coordinates, and off he flies.

Oh yeah, Commissioner Gordon is in this movie as well, isn’t he? I guess we cut to him sat in a diner at 1am eating a cheap steak. He looks at a picture of Batman in a locket and then ignores a phone call from his wife. They have Batman-related marital issues which will never be resolved.

But back to the team. They had some bonding time whilst they got ready for the next brawl, which consisted of them half-heartedly quipping at each other for about 15 minutes, and they’re ready to fight again. They’ve tracked big grey guy who’s on fire to a conveniently abandoned part of Gotham where they can throw flaming chunks of building at each other without worrying about crushing civilians.

a conveniently abandoned part of Gotham where they can throw flaming chunks of building at each other without worrying about crushing civilians

The battle begins. Wonder Woman is owning some fools with that crossed arm thing she does. The Flash is running real fast and tapping all the flying things on the head going “duck, duck, goose,” what a joker! Aquaman is submerged in a pond desperately beckoning bad guys to come closer. Batman is doing a lot of running around looking dismayed because after all he’s just a rich guy in fancy dress. Cyborg is stuck magnetised to a fridge.

Soon, the Justice League looks like it’s been out-justiced. Batman is lying wounded on the floor, as big grey guy who’s on fire swings his magic sword at him. But just before the blow lands, an unmistakably Kryptonian hand stops the blade. Big grey guy who’s on fire is shook. “Not today, big grey guy who’s on fire,” says Superman with a horrifically unnatural grin, before punching him in the face so hard that he explodes. Now that Superman is back from his work-injury and the threat is vanquished, the gang returns to that bar from earlier where they all do celebratory karaoke as the end credits roll.

But wait, there’s a post-credits scene. Alfred is still knitting away, when a different shadow falls over him. It’s Lex Luthor. “That’s right, Alfred. It’s me, bitch,” he says. “Crumpets!” shouts Alfred in shock. It fades to black and words appear on the screen: “The Justice League will return… unless we reboot the universe again.”

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