Exeter, Devon UK • Dec 3, 2023 • VOL XII

Exeter, Devon UK • [date-today] • VOL XII
Home Satire Timepiece forecasts record profits following first student finance payments

Timepiece forecasts record profits following first student finance payments

Harry Craig spins the news and satirizes student priorities when it comes to the infamous TP nightclub.
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Image: Wikimedia Commons

Student favourite nightclub Timepiece is expected to receive a massive financial bonus at the start of term following the first round of student finance payments received on 25th September. Following the notification from their banking app that the payment had been made into their account, hordes of students were seen rushing in the direction of Castle Street and its famous Venom-producing institution, instantly forgetting about the “freshers’ flu” that had left them allegedly bed-bound and unable to attend any of their first-week lectures.

Even for those receiving the lowest possible student finance payment of approximately £1232 in Term 1, this is still enough to finance the purchase of 136 Venoms. Consequently, Timepiece is expected to receive record profits in the coming weeks, and with the green-flavoured venom remaining the most popular, Exeter students are expected to prove the slogan “Bleed Green”.

The TP spending rush peaked on the first Wednesday of term, as Exeter students enjoyed the prospect of having a night out not bailed out by the Bank of Mummy & Daddy. Despite the short-term spending rush, however, experts have warned that the peak in student spending cannot be expected to last beyond a few weeks, as a majority of students spend their entire student loan in just one night, and settle for beans & toast for dinner for the rest of Term 1.

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