Another tough week in the US primaries, as Adam and Eve become the latest candidates to drop out, forced to end their campaigns after being deemed ‘too young for the job’.
Adam had been hoping to lead the Republicans into the election, and Eve the Democrats, but they both fell foul of the government department responsible for screening potential candidates for the Presidency.
The Federal Office for the Safe Selection of Ideal Leaders (FOSSIL) raised concerns after they discovered that both candidates had the ability to form coherent sentences, climb staircases without falling over and stay awake past 6pm. A representative for the department has issued the following statement: “These two snotty-nosed undergrads are making a mockery of our political system by even applying. We mustn’t let the White House become a repeat of the Inbetweeners.”
Previous candidates struck from the running for being too juvenile include Cleopatra, Aristotle and the Omo Remains.
Thankfully, the pair have taken the ruling gracefully. Late last night, Adam wrote on X that he “fully accepts FOSSIL’s ruling and the concerns that they have raised.”
In an interview with CNN, Eve acknowledged that “in the current political climate, running for the Presidency when I’m only 180,000 years old was always going to be a long shot. It’s true what they say that there’s no substitute for experience.”
In the wake of this latest development, we look forward to the next round of primary debates, set to be held in Washington, in the cafeteria of the Maple Heights Assisted Living Centre.