Exeter, Devon UK • Feb 22, 2024 • VOL XII

Exeter, Devon UK • [date-today] • VOL XII
Home Satire University to introduce 69-factor authentication

University to introduce 69-factor authentication

Ana Anajuba, Print Arts + Lit Editor, reveals the University of Exeter's plans for multi-factor authentication
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University to introduce 69-factor authentication

Mutli factor authentication
Image: Dan Benton, Flickr

Ana Anajuba, Print Arts + Lit Editor, reveals the University of Exeter’s plans for multi-factor authentication

The University of Exeter has announced plans to introduce a 69-factor authentication process to ensure the safety of students.
Instead of addressing the many concerns surrounding COVID-19 and the confusion about exams, the University has decided to increase the security of Outlook email by forcing students to go to great lengths to prove their identity.

The University has decided to increase the security of Outlook email by forcing students to go to great lengths to prove their identity.

Reports from an unidentified source inside the Chancellor’s office revealed that the plans are as follows. First, a student must walk up to the Forum and stand in the Pret queue for 45 minutes. Once they reach the front of the queue, they must then leave without buying anything and proceed to roly poly down Cardiac Hill. After that, they need to visit the library at precisely 2:30PM, (also known as rush hour) and find a seat on the ground floor. Following 66 further steps known only to the elites who manage to complete the initial few, students will finally be able to log in to Outlook email and download their seminar worksheets.

Following 66 further steps known only to the elites who manage to complete the initial few, students will finally be able to log in to Outlook email and download their seminar worksheets.

In response to student outrage the University released the following statement: “As a Russell Group university, it is of the utmost importance to protect the security of our research. Imagine if someone outside the University managed to access lecture PowerPoints? The threat would be astronomical! You wouldn’t be complaining about security then.”

When Exeposé asked about student complaints regarding the failure of mitigation, our number was blocked. One Law student we managed to corner on their way to the Pret queue as they embarked on the first step of the authentication process said: “It’s bad enough having to get a text message anytime I want to read an email. Now I have to queue up in Pret and not even buy anything! This must be a violation of some law.”

With its long track record of listening to the concerns of its students, there is no doubt that the University will make an urgent U-turn and scale back these ludicrous measures.

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