“University is where you find out who you are as a person.”
“University is where you finally experience full freedom.”
“Talk to the people on your left or right, as they may end up being your best friends for life.”
When preparing for university, I often heard how much it would shape me and give me the autonomy to thrive in life, allowing me to explore new interests and meet new people in an open environment. Yet, despite freedom being central to the university experience, I felt paralysed outside the routines of school or work. Social media, films, and family stories portrayed university as a nonstop socialising and adventure experience, creating pressure to belong.
This assurance of the positives of the “uni experience” instead felt like pressure, like an expectation that I was not making the most of my time here, that if I wasn’t clubbing or attending society events or doing more than just my degree, I wasn’t doing enough.
What I’m getting at, as cliché as it sounds, is that every person is on their own journey, and because of that, some won’t be able to face the demands of academics while facing constant growth and social development. However, as a guy in his fifth and final year at university, I feel these rose-tinted narratives hint at an important message to anyone here. Relationships are important and require maintenance just like anything worth doing.
… every person is on their own journey, and because of that, some won’t be able to face the demands of academics while facing constant growth and social development.
As one of the most introverted people I know, I am not trying to condemn myself or others for not being social, nor am I suggesting that people who are less active are less productive; I have also made many sacrifices for my courses due to time restraints and limited energy levels. Yet my journey here has taught me valuable lessons about human connection and how it is hard to initiate, especially at a time when we feel the most isolated.
For context, my most memorable moments here were my first two years. I lived in private accommodation my first year because there was no shared accommodation on campus. As a result, I only had one flatmate (who I liked), and it was my first taste of loneliness. In a new place with no people I knew, with hard academic demands and plummeting energy, while working a part-time job I hated to keep up with bills, I felt like I was failing. Although I did have some loving friends in my course who invited me to do things, I always felt I was doing something wrong. Days were wasted just sitting in my flat, seeing people having the “time of their lives”, but by the end of my first academic year, I realised I wasn’t “doing” anything. Still in the school mindset of just waiting for life to happen, I realised I hadn’t made an effort, I hadn’t tried to change my circumstances or make new choices, so I made a promise, I would simply make an effort next year.
This doesn’t mean I suddenly became a socialite in my second year, but using what I knew and was comfortable with, I branched out and reached out, which was the hardest part, as again I am scared of social situations, but by simply showing up and introducing myself, I came so far. The magic of university for me is that people are here for similar reasons, and I experienced acceptance and acknowledgement, which became long-lasting relationships. By attending church, joining societies related and unrelated to my interests, and meeting other students, my second year felt like such an accomplishment. Simply going to small events and meeting people rather than these massive “time of your life events” meant I was not overwhelmed by university while also growing as a person.
The magic of university for me is that people are here for similar reasons, and I experienced acceptance and acknowledgement, which became long-lasting relationships.
I just needed to initiate and maintain these new relationships which sounds like a lot, but if you do it at a pace you are comfortable with than you will flourish, this mindset has made subsequent years even better as I now have friends who I see regularly, I now have gotten over my fear of trying new things as shown by the fact that I am currently writing an article for public to read and feel content that I am using my time right.
If I had to offer advice to those who are afraid of being socially behind at university, I’d say three important things to remember: first, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed; we are in new environments, expected to figure out who and what we are supposed to be while overcoming harsh academic demands. Second, what is fulfilling for others socially may not be the same for you, and that’s ok, we are quite literally built differently. Third, don’t be afraid to try new things, even if it’s late in the term or you don’t know anybody there, as there are likely people looking to meet new people, just like you.
So please don’t feel like you are “failing” the university experience, but wrestle with the thoughts of discontent, see the cause and then find what you can do to improve, bit by bit.
A spokesperson from Exeter Students’ Guild said, “Whatever your pace looks like, you deserve to feel supported in it. University can be a lot and it’s completely okay if it takes time to find your rhythm. Whether you’re leaning into new opportunities or stepping back to recharge, your Students’ Guild is here to help you find what feels right for you. From our weekly events programme to our advice and support services, there are plenty of ways for you to get involved in ways that feel manageable to you. Visit exeterguild.com to find out more.”
